I AM DAVID! HERE ME ROAR!

                Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome. Mein Damen und Herren, Mesdames et Messieurs, Ladies and Gentlemen! Guten Abend, bon soir, Wie geht’s? Comment ca va? Do you feel good? I bet you do! Ich bin euer Confrecier, je suis votre compere, I am your host! Und sage…Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome. Zu Meine Blog. Por mon Blog. TO MY BLOG!

                I’m making my glorious return to blogging. When you come to this blog you leave your troubles outside. Life is disappointing? Forget it! We have no troubles here! Here life is beautiful, the girls are beautiful…even the orchestra is beautiful!

                Stop stop stop! Cut the music! That’s enough Broadway musical numbers for one post and if I continued I’d probably be crossing into copyright infringement territory and honestly I really can’t afford another lawsuit with Liza Minnelli.

                I’m BACK! I’m every type of back there is. Back in Black. Back in the New York Groove. Back to the Future. Back Dat Ass Up! Back in the Saddle. Back in the USSR. Looking out my Back Door. It’s all Coming Back to Me Now. I Won’t Back Down. Back in the High Life Again….Britney’s Back Bitch!

                BACK to my point. It’s been years since I wrote on my old blog. I can only blame myself for this absence. There’s really no excuse that I haven’t been doing it, but there is a good analogy. If I was Batman (and I’m not saying that I’m not) the past three years would’ve been the time in my life where I was a young Bruce Wayne, in his 20’s, and I was stealing shit in China, but the shit I was stealing was from Wayne Enterprises, so it was kind of a tongue-in-cheek moment at the audience. And even though I was stealing from my own company I still got arrested and got sent to a prison camp anyway. That was the past few years. Today begins a new day. Today is the day when Liam Neeson starts to train me to become a member of the League of Shadows. Right now I trust him, but soon we’ll become enemies. (Just to be clear, I’m not in a Chinese prison camp. Please do not bake any cakes with metal files in them and mail them to a Chinese prison camp addressed to me. I won’t get them. I can’t tell you how many criminals are eating my cakes and escaping from jail because of you people taking everything I say so literally.)

                It has been too long since I last blogged and since then the world has gone to hell. Countless people have died due to war, hunger and natural causes! Super storms have become the new normal. The New Normal has become a thing that people say now. Godzilla is about to attack Earth this summer! All because I chose to stop blogging. Well I’m back now so you no longer need to worry about death, current zeitgeists, or huge Kaiju monsters…unless of course Mothra gets involved. If that’s the case, you are shit out of luck. My skill set does not include the destruction of giant Moths. Or giant Robots for that matter. Unless of course it’s a giant Robot Godzilla, but even then I wouldn’t make any guarantees.

                Back to the matter at hand, left hand to be specific. This is my first post so it would probably be a good time to introduce myself at some point, right? I should give you some insight on just who David Seeman is. You might be thinking “Who is David Seeman?” As this is the first mention of “David Seeman” I can see why you may not know. Well SPOILER ALERT: It’s Me! I’m David Seeman and I go by all sorts of names. Bird Boy, Deep Dish, Falcon J. Cock M.D., Black Street Joe, Seabiscuit, Davey Baby (D.B. for short), Dr. Jon Bradley, The Gucc, and of course Seeman. You can feel free to use any of these names or even just simple Dave(not “Simple Dave” though). Though, I don’t care how big of a Paul Simon or Chevy Chase fan you might be, please do not call me Al.

                So now you know my name, but you still don’t know much about me. What would you like to know? Should I give you a summary of my life? I don’t think it would impress you very much and I’ve already gone on to long as it is so I’ll keep it short and to the point.

                I really don’t consider myself to be an important person. I’m not the Dalai Lama over hear, and if somebody told you I was, they are just a dirty liar. So let’s just quickly go through my life. The idea is pretty straightforward. I was born a baby. I was white and weighed some amount of pounds and ounces. Then I went to elementary school, then went to middle school, then went to high school, then went to college school, then I graduated, lived in New York at home after college school and now I just moved to Los Angeles. You happy now? Now you know all there is to know about me. Well not really, but you have so much time to get to know me, why just rush through it right now. We have the rest of our lives to get to know each other.

                To finally end this, I think I’m going to need some type of sendoff. I do really like The Simpsons and in my gmail account use “You’ll have to speak louder, I’m wearing a towel,” but I think I need something more original. More me. I always liked Spiderman’s “With grape power comes grape responsibility,” because I think it has to do with wine, which is odd considering they don’t talk much about wine in the comics. I also like, “Good Night and Good Luck.” It’s a pretty solid line that I alone created and no one has ever used ever before, but a tad too ominous for this. I got it. This is more than a sendoff. It is a phrase that I have used since college and truly defines who I am.

My only regret is I didn’t drink more.