The best sport in this country has returned!
I decided to take a break from my absurd posts and start a new weekly "Picks of the Week" column. I wish I had thought of this days ago so I could've made this better but it is what it is. Please excuse any typos or grammatical mistakes. I wanted to post this before the game tonight and really didn't have much time to write this.
So why do a boring pick of the week column? Well, I love football. I love making picks on games. I hope that I can make my picks into a funny post.
So let's get on with it!
I will be using spreads in my column. For those who don't know how spreads work go to www.google.com and type in "How do betting spreads work." Pick an article and read it.
On to the picks. (Bold teams are my picks)
Green Bay +6 @ Seattle
Seattle is at home. Seattle just won a Superbowl. But you know what, that doesn't matter to me. You think that Seattle has a great defense? Well not anymore! New NFL rules that say you basically can't play as a CB or Safety have made good secondaries useless. Green Bay may not even get a completion, but with all the penalty flags that the Seahawks defense will get from touching the WRs will result in about 500 yards. As Seattle is a run first team, they won't get the same benefit. Green Bay will win this game outright.
Update 9/5: Way off on this pick. I'm actually worried now. This pick has made me question every other pick I made this week.
New Orleans -3 @ Atlanta
I love the Saints. Drew Brees seems like a cool guy. Marques Colston was from the great Long Island College of Hofstra. Plus they play in the land of Reggie Ledoux! What does Atlanta got? Some dick hole QB from Boston College. Umm, no thanks. They were supposed to have a great offense last year and everyone got injured. I honestly don't know how their defense was statistically last year, but considering they had #6 pick in the draft, they probably sucked.
Update 9/8: Wrong again!
Minnesota +3 @ St. Louis
I don't understand how St. Louis is favored in this game. I get that they are at home and it's only week 1 AND Minnesota isn't good. But St. Louis just lost their starting quarterback. Look Sam Bradford is a piece of shit. I've referred to him as "The Other Mark Sanchez" for years, but I think he's worse than Sanchez. If he played for the Jets, he wouldn't have made it as far as Sanchez did. Actually, now that I'm discussing it, maybe losing Bradford is a plus for the Rams. It's all UP shaun HILL from here! And it's not like Minnesota's QB situation is great either. Honestly this game could be the worst game of the week.
Update 9/8: First right pick! Still don't understand how St. Louis was favored.
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh -7
I almost picked Cleveland here. Pittsburgh has been pretty average the past 2-3 years and Cleveland looks better than they have. But you know what. That's what is said every year. Every year Cleveland has 2 1st round draft picks and every year they pick up decent free agents and every year it looks like Cleveland will be good and every year they are terrible. And now that Josh Gordon is off selling cars and Johnny Football is on the sidelines I honestly can't put any faith in an organization who treats every year like they are an expansion team.
Update 9/8: Wrong again. Terrible 2nd half.
Jacksonville @ Philadelphia -10.5
Biggest spread of the week! And I don't even think Philadelphia will be that good this year. They have arguably the best RB in the game, but questionable WRs and (at least to me) an unproven QB. But I'd pick any team to beat Jacksonville by 10.5 points this week. Jacksonville shouldn't be an NFL team. Do they even have fans? I think every game for the past 5 years has been blacked out. Who do they even have on their team? Their brand new QB with the best preseason out of every other player in the league isn't playing. I regrettably have Cecil Shorts the 3rd on my fantasy team, so I honestly would be okay with him putting up 3 TDs and me getting this pick wrong.
Update 9/8: Won mostly because Jacksonville blew this game in fantastic fashion
Oakland @ Jets -5.5
You'll never NOT see me pick the Jets. Listen I don't gamble often on football but when I do there are two teams I don't bet on. The Jets and the Patriots. And I'll tell you why. With the Patriots, if I end up losing that bet, I feel like I'm basically just giving the Pats my money. Like running up to Tom Brady on the street and saying "Here you go" and then giving him $50. With the Jets it's hard enough to watch them with only my fandom at stake. You add money to that equation and it really just makes everything worse. Obviously there are exceptions. I'll always PICK the Jets to win, but that doesn't mean I'll always bet on them. Having said that the Jets could be a surprising team this year OR be one of the worst. It's really a coin flip. The Raiders will be terrible like usual, unless MJD has a career year (he won't) and James Jones is the next Randy Moss (he's not).
Update 9/8: Of course the Jets didn't cover. All they needed was 1 more point. Wrong!
Cincinnati +1 @ Baltimore
THIS IS MY LOCKE OF THE WEEK
As much as I think the Browns will suck, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Baltimore finished in 4th in the AFC North. I think they will be abysmal this year. No running game. Flacco got paid 2 years ago, he doesn't need to play anymore. Their defense isn't nearly what it was back when they won the Superbowl. Meanwhile Bengals are getting better on defense and offense.
Update 9/8: Makes me feel good that I got my Locke of the Week at least right.
Buffalo @ Chicago -7
Some teams just never change. Like some teams are good then become bad. Some are bad then are good. With Buffalo, they just stay bad. They sign Mario Williams a few years ago and their defense doesn't change. They draft CJ Spiller, makes no offensive difference. If you honestly think that EJ Manuel and Sammy Watkins will get this team to the playoffs, you're way off my friend. At best they will be a poor man's version of Matthew Stafford to Calvin Johnson. A much poorer version.
Update 9/8: Fuck Buffalo. Fuck the Bears. Fuck everyone. Wrong!
Washington @ Houston -3
This is a toss up to me. I don't like Washington this year. I don't think they'll be awful, but I don't think they'll be good either. But that's also how I feel about Houston. Due to fantasy implications where I own ZERO Redskins (I know everyone is against the Redskins team name, but I have yet to choose a side) but own 2 Texans in Hopkins and Foster, I'm picking Houston because I want them to score a lot of points. I also would like to see Clowney run a train on RG3
Update 9/8: Redskins look terrible. Right!
Tennessee +3.5 @ Kansas City
I love Jamaal Charles. He might be my favorite non-Jet NFL player. I absolutely go nuts for him. Having said that I hate the rest of the Chiefs. Alex Smith is a jack wagon. The only WR they have is god awful, but Bowe is out Week 1 anyway. So Donnie Avery becomes the go to target I guess. Good luck with that. At least Tennessee has upside in their offense. I don't see Kansas City starting off 6-0. In fact I'd say they'll go 0-6.
Update 9/8: Killed it with this pick. Charles was removed from the game, but even still, would've gotten this right.
New England @ Miami +5
I said this before, no way will I ever choose New England. I don't care what the spread is or who they are playing, I'm never going to pick them. Miami sucks though so I'm sure the Patriots will cover the spread and destroy the Dolphins. My only hope is that they crush the Dolphins so bad it's considered bullying and the entire Patriots organization is suspended indefinitely.
Update 9/8: This makes me really happy. Right!
Carolina +1 @ Tampa Bay
I don't care that Carolina has completely new WRs. I don't care that Cam Newton is already injured and will get hit about 50 times this game. I don't even care that DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart are terrible RBs. Carolina will still win this game. Why? Cause they are playing Tampa Bay. A team that gave up a 1st round pick to get a half-healthy Revis for 1 season. Are they starting Josh McCown? Is that actually happening? Cause to my knowledge he's been in the league for 10 years now and it took until last year for him to be good in 5 games with two of the best WRs in the game. Now he's in Tampa Bay, a year older, with a much less talented team. Up until last year, McCown never had a season where he threw more TDs than INTs except in 2004. He's not a good starter.
Update 9/8: Right! Tampa Bay will not win more than 4 games this year.
San Francisco @ Dallas +4.5
My big upset of the week. I don't believe in Kaepernick. I don't. I don't have much to back that up. It's just a feeling. That's really all it is. And Dallas' defense will probably be last in the league this year, but I think that they'll still have a good offense. Also, it seems like every player on the 49ers has already or is about to be suspended. Aldon Smith? 9 games. McDonald just got arrested for domestic assault. Chris Culliver is one more gay slur away from being banned from the league. I think Dallas holds its own in this game. And if not, well at least they'll be making a shit ton of extra money for all the fans they just got for signing Michael Sam to the practice squad.
Update 9/8: Way off. I looked at the score just now and was expecting it to read 87-3 not 28-17. Wrong!
Indianapolis +7.5 @ Denver
I know Denver has a crazy offense last year and I know they'll be great this year too but with the way they lost the Super Bowl and now with Welker taking Molly and out 4 games, I just think they might start a little slower than expected. I don't think the Colts will win this game. But with this big of a spread, I think it'll be close. Also, I'd watch this entire game if I was promised before hand that Trent Richardson would carry the ball every play. He's have like 60 carries and only put up 60 yards and it would only get funnier with every carry.
Update 9/8: Garbage time TDs won me this matchup.
Giants @ Detroit -5.5
I'm really down on the Giants this year. Though, I'm like that every year. And you know what? I'm right every year! At least for half of the season. Every year they play like shit for the 1st half or 2nd half of the year. Total shit. Last year they started 0-6. Terrible. Detroit's offense is full of weapons. They are like a ninja's closet. Full of weapons. Ebron, Megatron, Bell, Bush, Tate. What do the Giants have? Umm, Nicks? Rashad Jennings?! I wanted the Jets to draft Beckham so bad, but he's not playing this game anyway. I really hope Eli throws even more INTs this year. That'd really make me happy.
Update 9/9: Giants are going to be terrible this year. Right!
San Diego +3 @ Arizona
I like San Diego. I feel like I always have. They are a West Coast team so there's no close rivalry with the Jets. Philip Rivers is a candy-ass bitch, but outside of that I like them. A lot of people don't know that Future Jet Hall of Famer Ladainian Tomlinson used to play for the Chargers. I hope that Ryan Mathews has a good year. I like them alot. You know who I don't like? The Cardinals. Speaking about candy-ass bitches. Carson Palmer basically cried like a baby while on the Bengals just so he could get shipped to the black hole of Oakland. He's not a good QB. Andre Ellington is their main RB who will not make it past Week 4. They were a surprising team last year and they will be this year too, but for the wrong reasons.
Update 9/9: Arizona won but didn't cover. This game really fucked me in fantasy too. Right!
I wish I had more time to put in pictures and gifs and spell check but I want this up ASAP. Maybe next week I'll do it Wednesday so I'll have more time to spice things up. Maybe get some Monday Night Football Music going. Chris Berman's "Woops" going on.
Here's to Week 1 of Football.
Totals Update: 10-6
