I may not be the best interviewee but I do know what employers want to hear and don't want to hear. Take a look at these simple hints. Try saying the "Say These" more in interviews. Try removing "Don't Say These" that people commonly say all the time.
What To Say
"Hello, my name is [say your name]"
This may seem like a cliched thing to say, but cliches work. Saying Hello tells the person that you are a welcoming person. And saying your name helps them identify which resume to look at.
"Nice Tie."
Who doesn't like a compliment? Even if the person isn't wearing a tie, you should say it anyway. If you're convincing enough, they might not even realize that they aren't wearing one.
"Nice Office. Could you give me a tour?"
Work is basically a second home to people and you should treat it as such. You should probably ask if you should remove your shoes before entering as well. And if it's a new office/home, people would love to give you a tour.
"Getting this job would make me a happy person."
You should say this right away. They don't want to waste their time with someone who won't be happy with the job. In fact, you might want to say this before you introduce yourself.
What Not To Say
Now let's move on to the other side of the discussion. What not to say. I've listen a few things people that my friends have told me they said on their interviews and only realized after the fact that it may have come off wrong or they simply shouldn't have said it at all.
"How many times have you had sex in this office? How many times have you had sex...just in general? Like ever?"
I know it doesn't seem obvious, but never ask your potential new boss about his or her sex life unless they bring it up first.
"It's really annoying to me how people just don't understand Satanists. Everyone thinks that we're just weird crazy people trying to bring Satan to Earth, which is true, but we have very nice BBQs too. Well I guess nice is really relative on how much you like human sacrifice at your BBQs."
Never talk about human sacrifice. Most people think of their own death, which makes them sad. Too sad to hire someone new.
"My weaknesses? Well I'm allergic to penicillin. Hahaha. I'm joking I know you're asking more about work related weaknesses. Um. Well I am racist. But it looked like this office was mostly white so I think that shouldn't be a problem."
Never bring up your allergies to other people. It only makes you look weak and mortal.
"My weaknesses? I cry whenever I hear a copy machine being used."
Don't mention copy machines. Most people in an office only have bad experiences with them and mentioning them may put your interviewer into a violent rage.
"I'm going to need to take a break every 15 minutes. On the dot. I have a massive addiction to porn...(looks at watch)...where's your bathroom?"
Wait until the interview is over before asking where the bathroom is unless it's an emergency.
"I'm really sorry. I'm terrible at interviews. I find it hard to talk to new people. That's why I brought Monopoly. I figured we can play the game and get to know each other better as we play. Now who do you want to be? The dog? No fucking way! I'm always the dog! Everyone knows that! Goddamnit! Why don't you just be the fucking thimble? I mean you kind of look like a thimble. Just a round person. I'll go first. A FOUR?! I got to pay this god damn tax! Fucking bullshit! You go. Oh great. I roll a 4 and have to pay $200 and you roll a five and end up with Reading FUCKING Railroad. Why don't you just go fuck yourself. I hate this game! I hate this company! And I hate you!"
Bringing a board game to an interview is a great idea, but you should always pick your piece first so things don't get weird if you want the same one.
"The trick is to put little feet at the bottom after tracing out your hand. See. That's how you make a hand turkey. You can keep this one. I got literally hundreds at home...actually I like this one. Can I keep it?"
Showing off your art skills is a great way to show your creativity but you should never keep your art. You should forcefully put it on their wall so there's always a reminder of your interview in their office.
"I'm not sure if you were going to bring it up but I really want to talk about the Free Masons pretty much ruining the country and to fix it all we need to do is bring back the gold standard."
Be careful in bringing up the Free Masons. If the interviewer is part of the Illuminati you may not leave the office alive.
"Did you just fart? No? So your office normally just smells like shit?"
You should always take credit for any smells your future boss may produce. It shows that you are a kiss ass and care more about this job than your dignity.
"Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!...good. Nothing happened. You just can never be too safe, you know what I mean? Let me try this one know. Candyman! Candyman! Candyman! Alright. This office is clean."
While most offices are clean, don't be so rash to possibly bring Beetlejuice or Candyman into this world.
"I just found out about an STD called Trich. It's a parasitic infection of the genitals. 3.7 million people have it and apparently it's spreading fast. So where do I see myself in 5 years? Hopefully not with Trich, but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I got it."
Be careful about talking about the future. For all you know the person interviewing you could be dead in 5 years.
"(While putting on latex gloves) Would you like to be tickled or be the tickler?"
No one likes to be told their Tickle Party Position. It's more fun for it to be a surprise.
"If it meant killing every last elephant I would do it just to get my dream ivory mansion. You know what? To hell with the mansion. I'd kill all the elephants just for the hell of it."
Most people would love to have a mansion made entirely out of ivory, but you don't want to come off as a stuck-up pompous jerk. Leave the rich talk for the Christmas party AFTER you get the job.
"No I don't wear socks. What kind of question is that? I mean I OWN socks but I just use those for jerking off into."
This response was probably brought on by you not wearing socks in the first place. While I see nothing wrong with it, you should wear socks to an interview.
I love mini-golf. It's so much fun right?! I mean, I love to do anything mini. It helps me compensate for my small penis.
This is work. For adults. Adults don't play mini-golf. They play real golf! You don't want to come off like a child now do you?
How did I lose my last job? Long story short. Meth will make you do crazy, crazy...CRAZY things...I'm talking about eating people.
Your interviewer will appreciate your honesty about your past drug addictions, but why make the story so short. If I was interviewing you, I sure would like to know more about this cannibalistic time of your life. Always tell all of the story.
Have you ever taken a shit then looked at it and then realized how huge it was so you wanted to know just how huge it was so you scooped it out of the toilet and put it in a bag but you poked holes in the bag first to let the water out and then you took the bag of shit and went to the gym since you don't have a scale in your own house and then weighed the shit at the gym?
This question is just so obviously dumb. I can't believe someone would actually ask this to someone interviewing them. I mean who in their right mind would do this? Obviously you'd use some type of sieve when removing the poop so the water would be drained and you wouldn't need to poke holes in the bag. And who would go through this trouble? Just poop directly on the scale.
If you follow my tips you'll be rocking out like this girl in no time.
thanks for the tips!!!
ReplyDelete