Before I make my picks, just want to quickly say, I am starting to really dislike the NFL. With the domestic violence that every other player is charged with AND today Adrian Peterson was charged with child abuse, it's just becoming too hard to watch these games and actually enjoy them. People bitch about steroids in baseball but cheating is nothing compared to beating someone half to death that is half your size that has no strength to fight back. You beat your wife? You get banned from the league. You beat your kids? Banned from the league. That's all it takes. Simple. And everyone would enjoy watching football a lot more. Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling on games. If only he had punched his son half to death. He'd be in the Hall of Fame right now.
PICK TIME
I went 10-6 last week. That's pretty freaking good. I started the first few game WAY OFF. I guess the Seahawks might actually be good. But it looks like the Pats will be the worst team in the league this year, which I'm definitely okay with.
Pittsburgh +2.5 vs. Baltimore
I'm happy I waited to write about this game until AFTER it happened. I couldn't think of anything to write about except Ray Rice. And now that the game is over all I want is Ray Rice to come back. That game would've been 1000% better to watch if Ray Rice was on the field. Wouldn't matter who ended up winning. Everyone would be going apeshit over him being on the field. Sad he won't play next week for people to flip out over
Update 9/16: Wrong. Though you already knew that.
Miami -1 vs Buffalo
Wow. Division matchup. MY JETS division matchup. I have to pick one of these teams to be 2-0?! That's tough to do. Miami did beat the Pats so I should show them respect and give them the win, but I got a feeling about Buffalo mostly because I ate some buffalo wings last night. Here's a great analogy for the Bills. They are a lot like Buffalo Wings. You eat them, they look good, they smell good, they taste great. You eat them with pleasure. But within the next 8 hours, those wings have turned into explosive diarrhea. Their former delicious state has quickly turned into shit. After that I HAVE to pick Miami.
Update 9/16: Wrong again. I don't believe Buffalo is for real. Last time they started 2-0 they ended 6-10.
Jacksonville +6 vs. Redskins
These teams are like an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a used condom. These teams are disgustingly bad. And don't get me started on the whole Redskins name discussion. I won't be calling them the Redskins. To me, they'll always be the Dirty Savages and I predict this season will be one full of smallpox and alcoholism for them.
Update 9/16: WRONG! If RG3 stays in, Jacksonville wins this game
Dallas vs Tennessee -3.5
Last week Jerry Jones didn't even notice how all the fans in Dallas were 49ers fans. This week I think he'll be preoccupied to know who's at the stadium do to his new lawsuit. He's being sued for allegedly making a woman watch him get oral sex in a bathroom. That situation really sums up the entire season for the Cowboys right there. Just making their fans watch them suck dick. In this scenario the Cowboys aren't Jerry Jones but the girl performing the oral sex.
Update 9/16: Wrong. Man, just a terrible week for me.
Arizona -2 vs Giants
Giants are going to have a tough year. Listen. Giants usually start the year out shitty and someone still have a decent record by the end of the year. If I was a Giants fan I'd just skip the first month of the season every year. Let Eli get his problems out. Let the defense give up a shit ton of points. Then by October, Eli still sucks, but at least you're getting wins now. But it's still week 2, so Arizona's got this game.
Update 9/16: Haha. First right pick!
Minnesota +3 vs New England
HAHAHAHAHA. Patriots lost last week like a bunch of sorry looking dingleberries. Tom Brady's career is over. He said before the season started that he'll retire when he starts sucking. Well looks like that's happening right now so start filling out that paperwork for your AARP card. If Tom Brady actually breaks his hip in this game...holy fuck will I laugh.
Update 9/16: Wrong. Fuck the Pats
New Orleans -6.5 vs. Cleveland
Can't believe the Saints lost last week, but I don't think there's any chance of that happening in Cleveland. This game is basically just on the schedule for the Browns to find an excuse to give Johnny Manziel the start for Week 3 or 4.
Update 9/16: Wrong, but at least Manziel played some
Atlanta vs. Cinncinati -5
I'm all in on Cincinnati this season. You got Bernard who's the type of guy you just want to snuggle up with. He seems so snuggly. Meanwhile on Atlanta you got Steven Jackson that has gotten hit so many times he probably shakes in his sleep. Not snuggling with that guy. So if you're the snuggle type, you go with the Bengals. If you would rather sleep alone, Falcons are your guys.
Update 9/16: RIGHT!
Detroit vs Carolina -2.5
I've always liked Detroit. Why? Because when I was a kid I was a HUGE Home Improvement fan. Home Improvement was the epitome of comedy. It had all the sitcom staples except this one came with MORE POWER! Man. How did that Tim Taylor ever get his own show? Haha. Just cracks me up. And emotionally you were tied in to it too. When whatsherface had the baby at the gas station; incredible tv moment. And every year Tim had to best his neighbor in a Xmas light competition. Always ripe for comedy. Anyway he was a Detroit fan and in the show they actually went to a Lions game once. So that's why I KINDA like Detroit. Just not this week.
Update 9/16: Cam Newton is a beast!
St. Louis Rams +5.5 vs. Tampa Bay
The Rams looked terrible last week, but I just can't pick Tampa Bay in a game where they are favored by 5.5. I'd rather have whatever garbage QB is on the Rams than Josh McCown. This game will be the worst game to watch this week. Shitty QBs on both teams. Questionable defense on both teams. I don't even think Ram or Buc fans will watch this game. I'm not. I don't even have fantasy players in this game.
Update 9/16: I can't imagine taking the Rams again for the rest of the year. Right!
Seattle -6 vs San Diego
If San Diego can't play offense against Arizona then this game just shouldn't be played. I don't care who wins but I hope that IF the Chargers score its definitely off of Richard Sherman's poor playing. That guy is way too confident in himself. I bet there's an elevator video* of him someone. (*new term. Elevator video. It means that you've done something really bad. ex: "Man. You just puked all over that cab! That's dying to become an elevator video)
Update 9/16: I'm okay with being wrong on this one. Fuck Seattle. Wrong.
Houston -3 vs Oakland
Oakland had one hope to win this season and then they lost to the Jets. They won't go 0-16 because they'll get lucky at some point. Maybe an opposing QB will get a stomach flu or even die. In this game they'd have to hope that would happen to J.J. Watt. Honestly it doesn't matter. Another game no one will watch. The game is probably going to be blacked out in Oakland so they can just focus on the Athletics for another week.
Update 9/16: Right. Oakland is god awful. Not as bad as the Giants though
Jets +8 vs Green Bay
You know my rule. Always going to pick the Jets no matter what. And what I say next is definitely biased but...8 points?! Really? I think I'd pick the Jets either way, but probably not. Lacy is 1 concussion away from becoming the next Muhammad Ali. I mean him today, not in his boxing prime. Jets have absolutely no secondary, but Green Bay has no offensive line, so I expect a pretty even matchup. Though I'm saying that because I'm a Jets fan.
Update 9/16: Right, but I'm not happy with the outcome of this game.
Kansas City vs Denver -13.5
Biggest spread of the week and also my LOCKE OF THE WEEK. I've never been to Kansas City. When I picture it in my head its basically just a bumfuck town where there's always a carnival that never leaves or shuts down. Everyone has a guard dog behind their fence with barb wire. The only thing to do is get drunk and go to the carnivale. Or drive through cornfields. I'm sure there's more to Kansas City than that, but probably not more.
Update 9/16: Wrong. It was definitely dumb to pick the Broncos with this big of a spread, even stupider to make it my Locke of the Week.
Chicago vs 49ers -7
I wanted to pick the Bears but they have too many injures this week. Oh. And also. THEY LOST TO THE FUCKING BILLS LAST WEEK! Maybe they'll use that to rebound big and beat the 49ers, but I don't expect that at all. Meanwhile the 49ers have a bunch of guys on the team that are still playing but definitely have an elevator tape of them somewhere out in the world. But for now, they play. And they'll win.
Update 9/16: Wrong, but as I hate the 49ers, I'm okay.
Philadelphia vs Indianapolis -3
Can't believe Philly won last week. But they did! The Colts got this one though. High scoring game I bet. People say that a lot. "Gonna be a high scoring game." "This one's going to be a shootout." We really need something more clever to say than that. Something like "If you like Titties, you're gonna love the amount of TDs in this one." "Scoring is also a term for having sex. So let's just say there's going to be a lot of fucking in tonight's game.
Update 9/16: Wrong. Chip Kelly can't keep on coming back like this in every game, can he?
This week: 6-10
Season: 16-16
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