Around 3:30 I called them back up and said the technician was actually scheduled to come between 9am-7pm. Alright. Fuck me. Here I was thinking he was about to be there, but now it looks like he won't come for another 3 hours. LUCKILY one of the few channels that worked was THE GAME SHOW NETWORK! So I got my fix of Family Feud. Which helped me mentally a lot.
So time keeps ticking...4pm...5pm...5:30pm. Alright, maybe I should call up and see where this guy is. "The technician is finishing up a job and will head over to you next." Great! Here I was worried they forgot about me and they weren't coming at all. BUT I was just told that I'm next, so he will definitely come.
6:15pm. Still no technician. I call back. T.W.: "He's on his way now." Me: "Is he definitely coming?" T.W.: "Yes." Me: "You guarentee that?" T.W.: "Yes."
Alright! They guarentee it! He's got to be here soon. There's only 45 minutes left of the technicians day. He probably wants to get home. So it's in his best interest to rush here and fix this ASAP.
6:40pm...hmm. I'm getting nervous. There's only 20 mins left. No harm in calling them up. Haven't had to wait on hold so far tonight. Ring Ring Ring. Me: "Is my technician still coming?" T.W. "It says here he already came."
Me: "WHAT?!"
T.W. "It says he came at 6:30 and that there was no problem."
Me: "WHAT?! He never came! I've waited all day for this guy to come. I was guaranteed he would come....." I go on like this.
Obviously I'm not happy. So they take some money off my bill and schedule an appointment this morning for 8am-9am. Well here it is. 9:10am. No one has come. I'm currently on the phone now and will soon be cancelling my 1-day service of Time Warner Cable.
WAIT! He's arrived! I know what you were probably thinking too. Dave, give me another 5-10 minutes. Well fuck you for thinking that bro! If I had gotten through to Time Warner before the technician called I would've cancelled with absolutely no qualms about it.
Needless to say, I will be writing a strongly worded Yelp review at some point this week against Time Warner Cable.
Speaking of Yelp reviews, did you know you can review anything? Like anything. I wrote a scathing review for Sachem East (a high school created in my school district at home that opened my senior year and split my graduating class. All the dicks went there). Here it is:
Review of Sachem East: 1/5 Stars
What a joke this school is. Could you be a worse school? Probably not. I mean seriously! Sachem North is way better! You know who graduated Sachem East and became really successful? NOBODY! This place is jerks-only if you ask me.
Sachem East first opened in 2004-05. That was my senior year. Our graduating class split up and half my friends went to East and half stayed at Sachem North. It was sad at first, but soon I noticed that all my friends at East had changed. They were now these elitist dickholes. And on top of that, they all did hardcore drugs. Oh! And not to mention they donated to Osama Bin Laden's Presidential Campaign!
Sachem East has a graduation rate of 2.9%! That's lower than inflation. If you are enrolled at Sachem East you will not graduate. Why? 1) Stupidest students in America. These kids can't read, write, play sports correctly. These kids would fail Lunch if it was graded. Why are they so stupid? 2) Worst teachers in the world! These teachers have no actual teaching degree. They're escaped ex-cons from old Gulags in Serbia. One teacher was a penguin! A literal penguin. I don't know if it was from Antarctica or came from a nearby zoo or what but he was a god awful Physics teacher. 3) The school is in shambles. The building itself has fallen completely apart. The reading materials (old Playboys) have most of the pictures missing (the nude pics were removed years ago). The desks are so rusty that there are mandatory tetanus shots at the end of the day. Or at least there used to be before they lost their funding. Now to save money they just removed the desks and chairs for safety.
This school should be shut down forever!
Week 3 Picks
Tampa Bay (+6.5) at Atlanta
This looks like a terrible pick in hindsight. And even before the game it still kind of was. Don't think I picked Tampa Bay because 1) I think they are good or 2) Would win. I thought they'd definitely lose, but I didn't think Atlanta was a good team. Honestly, I still don't. But this game just shows how god awful Tampa Bay is.
San Diego (+2.5) at Buffalo
ESPN and other sport sites literally can't stop jerking off from watching the Seahawks defense. "Did Richard Sherman just get an Interception? I'M GONNA CUM!" Since the Superbowl, it's all anyone has talked about. And last week the Chargers took that defense to town. So Chargers are killing it right now. Then you got the Bills. 2-0! The team is staying in Buffalo! So many good things happening. But beating the Dolphins and the Bears a good team does not make. Let's all relax about the Bills winning 2 games.
Dallas at St. Louis (+1)
This is kind of like the Tampa Bay pick. It's not that I like the Rams, I just don't think the Cowboys have it in them. I'm no Romo hater. I've always kind of liked him and he's not as bad as people think, but damn, he looks really bad so far this year. It's probably his back issues. No, his back problems didn't stem from carrying the team. They came from medical surgery he had in the off season. Meanwhile I also picked the Rams because I love me a young QB suddendly thrown into the mix. If the Rams can win 5 games with Austin Davis, I say give him the MVP.
Washington at Philadelphia (-6)
Let's all get our mouths ready to suck on the dick of Kirk Cousins. Not me though. I'm not believing in him yet. He looked great last week, but oh wait, he played against the Jaguars, the Houston Astros of the NFL. The 6 points makes me nervous just because of how Philly's been having to come back from bad 1st halves to win. Also, when will they bench Foles for Sanchez. I really want to see another fan base cheer for him and then slowly, over the course of the season, begin to hate him.
Houston (EVEN) at Giants
This is my LOCKE OF THE WEEK!!!!
If you love watching Eli Manning's dumb half constipated/half about to cry FACE OF VICTORY, you'll love this game. The Giants O-Line (along with the rest of the team) is terrible. J.J. Watt will destroy Manning. I'm actually thinking this might be Watt's last game played. He'll probably get arrested for manslaughter charges by halftime.
Minnesota (+10.5) at New Orleans
I just got Patterson on my fantasy team so the Vikings better get points in this game. The Saints are not as good as we thought they were. Yeah, they'll put up 20-30 points, but still find a way to lose. They really should go back to the days of playing for bounties. That's when the Saints were really good. When you're just playing for a regular paycheck, what's the point?
Tennessee at Cincinnati (-6.5)
I think this comes down to if A.J. Green plays the whole game or not. I thought last week the Titans were good, but then they lost to the Cowboys which means they aren't good. Also, I fucking hope Green plays. With next week a BYE, it'd be nice to get SOME use out of him in fantasy this year.
Baltimore at Cleveland (+2)
I want to know the percentages of who picked who in this match up. I bet it's 50-50 and it's one team is getting more action I bet it is the Browns. Everyone was blown away that they beat the Saints last week. Not me. I mean, I was blown away, but not because of the Saints. Take the Saints out of the equation people. I think it's amazing the Browns won a game. They have a chance of having a winning record this year! Last week everyone thought the Ravens would be lose because of the Ray Rice bullshit, then they didn't. This week it has somehow gotten worse for the Ravens with coverups and more overall bullshit. Will they rebound again? Let's hope not.
Green Bay (+2.5) at Detroit
Packers as an underdog? I don't think so. I don't think Detroit will ever be anything more than an 8-8 team, which says a lot considering since they have just as good as an offense the Saints do. They just are born losers. I bet everyone's looking for a shootout in this game but how great would it be if the game ends 3-0. 1 FG scored.
Indianapolis (-7) at Jacksonville
It doesn't even matter who Jacksonville is playing or what the spread is, there's no way I'm picking them. Off the top of my head I can't think of one defensive player on the Jags....Just looked at the roster! Ziggy Hood and Chris Clemons and that's because they played for different teams last year. Hell, the only reason I know the offense is because everyone was just picked in the last draft. Though, if Bortles starts to play, I'll completely change my tune. My tune currently is "Bang Bang."
Oakland (+14) at New England
When I looked at this matchup I said "FUCK! I have to pick Oakland here?" But then I saw the +14 points. I think I might have a small chance of getting this one. If I was a smarter man I'd just remove New England games from my picks. Not recognize their existence. Kinda like how the whole Arab nation treats Israel. Except in this case I'm just a spiteful football fan.
San Francisco (-3) at Arizona
This has the smellings of an upset, but that might also be the major deuce I just dropped in my pants. Both very upsetting smells. I can't imagine Drew Stanton winning another game. If you told me 3 years ago, "That Drew Stanton. He'll be playing football in 3 years from now. And you know what, he's going to win a couple of games too," I would've said "Why the FUCK are you talking about Drew Stanton?! Let's get back to making love baby."
Denver (+4.5) at Seattle
YES! This game will be awesome! I hope anyway. That's what I said about the Superbowl. Playing at Seattle is hard, but it's not impossible to win there. They lost 3 games last year, one of which was at home. (I know that's a weird stat since 1 loss is really good and I also gloss over the fact they won 13 games and the Superbowl. But fuck it.)
Kansas City at Miami (-4)
Why is this game happening? Honestly I could care less about this game but I'll tell you why I picked Miami. 1) They beat the Patriots this year. They might as well be my Jesus. 2) Kansas City is garbage with a garbage coach. I think teams realized last year that Alex Smith has no receivers so they don't have to play a pass defense anymore. Just put 11 guys on the line. You'll be fine.
Pittsburgh at Carolina (-3)
Pittsburgh has Antonio Brown and Le'veon Bell. Carolina has Cam Newton. AND THAT'S IT! Those are the only 3 players mentioning here. Well on offense anyway. Carolina has a monster defense. As much as I like Brown and Bell, Cam Newton is a beast. See these words I'm using to describe the Panthers. Beast. Monster. These words envoke fear! Carolina's got this IN THE BAG! (in the bag used to be my catchphrase in high school. One of many. I think I might bring it back)
Bears at NY Jets (-2.5)
This game is being referred to as "The Superbowl of the Regular Season." Mostly by me....Only by me. If you watch only 1 game this week, this should be it. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I expect the Jets to put up 35 points in this game. Geno will have like 350 passing yards with NO FUMBLES. The Bears? They'll be OK at best. Final score. 35-14. Which also means you should take the OVER this week too.
This week 0-1
Season 16-17
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