Fantasy Football Lineup

(Singing) It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Football is almost here and that means that so is fantasy football!

I love fantasy football. Absolutely love it. But, it is definitely more Football than Fantasy if you ask me. I want a team that has a roster of anyone I want. Alive or dead. Real or Fake. Ben Franklin would be a terrible football player, but if I wanted, he could be on my team.

I realize this is my fantasy, but I do have some rules for this:

1) I have to set a full fantasy lineup. This league will be  1 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R/T, 1 DEF, 1 K

2) I have 6 Bench spots I can fill anyway I want.

3) The team I've created is unbelievable. If this were an actual Fantasy league with a draft I highly doubt I'd be able to get everyone I did on my roster. But it's my fantasy so we'll have to look past it.

Lineup with Scouting Report

QB – Optimus Prime

Imagine that bullet being a football

Who better to lead a team than Optimus Prime. You can expect him to not only throw the ball for over 4,000 yards, but also transform into a Mack Truck and put up huge rushing numbers as well. Here’s a QB be that will have few turnovers and never lose a game. He is the best leader you'll find on Earth or Cybertron.

WR - Legolas

That's one way to get to the end zone

The most agile WR there is. One game you'll see him flip over an entire defense to catch a TD pass then next game he's bringing down an Oliphant by himself. There's nothing he can't physically do. He's a true team player as well. Will always put the Fellowship of the team before himself. He's great in Dynasty leagues too as he will never die. Also he's got Super Vision!

WR - Michelangelo

AKA Michelangelo Ocho Cinco

A mutant turtle with the Diva attitude that a WR needs. He catches as well as he hits. His shell makes him hard to bring down giving him top-5 YAC stats. He may get suspended at the beginning of the season due to Ooze usage with is a PED in the league. Even if he misses 2-4 games, this is a guy to have. An addiction to pizza may slow him down as well.

WR - Nightcrawler 

He can invade the White House. The endzone is no problem

Unstoppable. There is simply no way to defend someone who can teleport from one spot to the next. Hell. He can even teleport mid-air. He'll put up even bigger numbers in a PPR league. If you happen to be playing against William Striker, you might consider benching him. Striker usually gets the best of Nightcrawler.

RB - Velociraptor

A clever girl

Fast and deadly. He doesn't even need an offensive line to put up 1,000 yards. He just takes off when he gets the ball. Downsides are he won't get many receptions and velociraptors are used to working in packs, a run-by-committee type of offense. But there's no reason to think this will give him subpar numbers.

RB - Falcor the Luck Dragon

His Hall of Fame career with be a Neverending Story

Three words. Huge. Flying. Dragon. This is literally a monster. He can fly through space! There's no stopping him! He's a hell of a blocker too so you know when he's on the field, everyone is putting up huge numbers.

TE - Chewbacca

He'll be ripping arms off left and right. Literally, left arms and right arms will be torn off.

This guy has everything you look for in a receiving TE. He's got height and strength. He can knock over a DE and keep moving as if nothing was there. Plus he's got a great vertical leap, which means no passes are going over his head.

DEF - The Monstars

Laws of Physics need not apply

Yeah, they play basketball. Yeah, they are stupid. And yes, they gave up a shit ton of points against the Looney Tunes, but that just puts a chip on their shoulder. This year, they are out to show the league that they can play. They have the talent to be one of the elite defenses in the league this year. If they can perform, you're looking at a great pick right here.

K - Blair Walsh

Could be anybody. Kicker doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter who your kicker is in fantasy, even if it's an actual fantasy. I just randomly picked Minnesota Viking Blair Walsh.

BN/QB - Maximus Decimus Meridius

Are you not entertained?!?! 

This guy can not only lead a football team but an entire army! The best general this side of Genghis Khan, Maximus will get you tons of points. If he can take on barbarians and tigers, I'm sure he'll be able to take on football players. Downside is that he does have to fight in the Coliseum when not playing football so there's a good chance he could die any given week and he hates fans, but think of his player intro. "Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. Played for Boston College."

BN/WR - Darth Maul

Fuck with him, you will not

This guy can play with any quarterback. Overthrown pass? No problem. Let me just Force that ball into my hands. Defender getting too close? Let's see them run me down after I cut them in half with my double-edged lightsaber. His off field problems being apart of the Sith gang are well reported so there's he might get suspended or get cut in half from a Jedi.

BN/WR - Iron Man

Best TD celebration ever

He's a poor man's Nightcrawler. His jets will help him get to the ball and endzone, but he can be taken down. When he started in the league his teammates hated him, but he seems to have grown out of that (well, maybe not entirely). He has definitely matured, and his sarcasm does get to defensive players. His health is an issue as his heart is surrounded by shards of metal, but that shouldn't be a problem this season.

BN/RB - Crushinator

I'd love to take this lassy home

I'm an evolved thinker. Who am I to say that women can't play football? I'm not trying to break down barriers with this selection though. This robot will crush all of her opponents, hence her name. She a beauty to watch on the field and beautiful to watch off the field. She's got it all.

BN/RB - Xenomorph

In space, no one can hear you play football

The Alien from "Alien." The Alien from "Aliens." The Alien from "Aliens 3." The Alien from...well the point I'm making is that you can't stop this guy. You knock him down, he'll put a baby down your throat. You make him bleed, he'll bleed acid all over you and you'll die. The only downside is that he definitely plays by his own rules and may kill everyone on the team.

BN/Horror Movie Villain

Picked a wrong day to stop drinking

I usually don't draft a backup DEF, but this was hard to pass up. With the likes of Jason, Freddie Kruger, Michael Myers, Candyman, evil dolls, zombies, there will be no chance that the team they are playing against will win. Just think of the end of "Cabin In The Woods," but on a football field. No escape. So my defense will consist of Monstars or Monsters. It's a win/win.



There is no team that will ever be better than this team. Yes, there is a severe lack of football experience with these players, but I see that as a minor issue that will be fixed after training camp.