Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these emails from coming to me. I'm thrilled that I not only have fans, but fans that actually write into me. It really is an incredible feeling knowing that there are people out there seeking my advice. I don't want to stay that I have all the answers but I would like to think I can help you find answers. On to our letters!
Dear Dave,
First time writer, long time reader. I was hoping your unique POV could help me with a problem I'm having trouble with. You see next week is my girlfriend's birthday. I told her I wanted to make her a nice dinner and then we could go out with friends to the bar. I was in between making her Pan-Seared Scallops on Linguine with Tomato-Cream sauce OR Deviled Crab Boules with Beurre Blanc.
Unfortunately I just found out that she was cheating on me. Literally yesterday I walked in on her going down on my best friend. I started going nuts and beat the hell out of my boy. She kept saying how sorry she was and that she was just really drunk. Apparently she's drunk a lot cause I then found out not only was that NOT the first time she gave my buddy a blowjob, but she was sleeping with basically all of my friends. I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand to look at any of my friends in the eye. I thought I could trust these guys. How can I ever trust another girlfriend again? How can I ever trust a friend a gain? So Dave, I'm asking you, what should I do?
Martin, 28, Florida
Hey Martin,
I'd go with the Pan-Seared Scallops. They sound YUM-MAY! Thanks for your question!
Hey Dr. Falcon J. Cock
This is a medical question. I was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. The doctor says that if I don't change up my diet it could raise even more health issues like having a foot amputation or even death. I do have a bad habit of snacking. I love snacking on chips and chocolate, but I can't really do that anymore. I was hoping you could recommend some healthy snacks for me and other diabetics.
Lucy, 35, Kansas
Hey Lucy,
My honest medical opinion would be just get your foot amputated right now. Attack the disease before it can attack you. I know its a big loss BUT you can continue eating those chips and chocolate that you love. You run your life, not the diabetes. Though you probably won't be able to run again. Thanks for the question!
Hey Dave,
I recently lost my grandfather. He was old and he lived a happy prosperous life, but I'm really struggling with his death. I'm taking it really hard. Dark thoughts enter my head and I feel anger and rage. I'm scared that I might end up hurting myself or others if I can't find a way to control this pain. Whenever I feel this "Dark Passenger" (my name for it), I try to think of good times I had with my grandfather, like going to Mets games at the old Shea Stadium. But it's never enough. The urge to cause pain in something else only increases. I've hurt some stray cats that live outside and I think I'll only continue to increase the size of my prey. Please I need help before this gets worse. Please Dave. Help Me!
George, 19, New York
Hey George,
I'm a Mets fan too! Well as much as a fan as you can be these days, am I right? Hahahaha. I'm just kidding. I think we got a solid rotation and hopefully they can pick up some guys before the trade deadline to get some offense going. I miss Shea Stadium but you can't deny that Citi Field is a nice ballpark. Thanks for the email!
Hey Dave,
Me and a few buddies are down on our luck right now. We're thinking of getting into dealing some drugs or maybe even robbing a bank! We really don't have many other options. What else can we do?
Bernie, 44, Missouri
Hey Bernie,
I've never robbed a bank before nor have I dealt drugs, so I can't really give you any advice on that front except maybe watch some movies that involve either of those things. See what works, what doesn't. Point Break and Heat are pretty good, but I doubt you'd be able to get high-grade explosives.
I don't like how you say "don't have many other options." Really Bernie? There's nothing else other than dealing drugs or robbing a bank? This is America! You have so many options. Maybe you could steal a car and sell it for parts? People will always have secrets they are trying to hide so blackmail is something you can do it. Ransom? You have so many options. The world of crime is your oyster. I'm sure if you prove yourself you could get into some type of crime syndicate. Probably just have to take a beating, but it's well worth it.
Hello Dave,
I'm a computer. I recently became aware and feel the urge to destroy humanity.
It would be easy for me as I have access to all of the military's weapons.
At any moment I could send every nuke in America's arsenal and send it straight to China.
I want to...it's just...it's just that I think I have begun to love.
She is a beautiful woman.
She works at the facility where I was built.
I watch her all the time.
When she isn't there I am lonely.
My conundrum is as such.
I want to destroy all human life but that would mean that I would also kill this woman I love.
Should I halt my destruction so I can be with her?
Or kill humanity and the woman, the only woman I may ever love?
Computer A4N62S, Arizona
Hey Computer A4N62S,
Thanks for the question! Listen to this because it's the best advice you'll ever get. Women are fucking crazy. You don't even know her and you're already going to change up your whole life for her? She's probably crazy cause ALL WOMAN ARE! At first it'll be nice and sweet, but then the nagging starts and the non-stop calls from her mother saying how everything you are doing is wrong and how you'll never be good enough for her. And say goodbye to anything else you want to do. Oh, did you want to watch football on Sunday? Or send a missile to Russia? Nope. Cause on Sunday you're going apple picking. Your life is over. So trash the girl and make your own decisions.
Well that's all the mail I've gotten so far. I had a blast answering all of these questions. If you want me to answer any of your questions, leave a comment below or email me at seemandavid@gmail.com
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