Fantasy Football Lineup

(Singing) It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Football is almost here and that means that so is fantasy football!

I love fantasy football. Absolutely love it. But, it is definitely more Football than Fantasy if you ask me. I want a team that has a roster of anyone I want. Alive or dead. Real or Fake. Ben Franklin would be a terrible football player, but if I wanted, he could be on my team.

I realize this is my fantasy, but I do have some rules for this:

1) I have to set a full fantasy lineup. This league will be  1 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R/T, 1 DEF, 1 K

2) I have 6 Bench spots I can fill anyway I want.

3) The team I've created is unbelievable. If this were an actual Fantasy league with a draft I highly doubt I'd be able to get everyone I did on my roster. But it's my fantasy so we'll have to look past it.

Lineup with Scouting Report

QB – Optimus Prime

Imagine that bullet being a football

Who better to lead a team than Optimus Prime. You can expect him to not only throw the ball for over 4,000 yards, but also transform into a Mack Truck and put up huge rushing numbers as well. Here’s a QB be that will have few turnovers and never lose a game. He is the best leader you'll find on Earth or Cybertron.

Ways That I'd Like To Die

"I should never have switched from Scotch to martinis" - Last words of Humphrey Bogard

Death. It's inevitable. It can happen at any moment. For most people, you don't pick how you get to die. In fact, most people don't want to die, or at least, not until they are really old. No matter who you are, death comes for us all

I've chosen 3 very specific ways that I'd like to die. Will they happen? Probably not. Especially not in the exact way that I describe. But if one day you look at the news and you see that I died in any of the following manners, know that I died happy.

Let me now present...

Ways That I'd Like To Die

(Not to be confused with the film "A Million Ways To Die In The West" or the TV show,"1,000 Ways to Die")

T-Rex

"Clever girl..." - Last words of Robert Muldoon, Jurassic Park

The scene is Times Square, NY. It's New Years Eve with only minutes to go before midnight. Ryan Seacrest thanks the Black Eyed Peas for their Fergielicious performance of "Auld Lang Syne." He prepares the audience in the studio and at home to get ready for the ball to drop.

Best Ways To Win Any Argument

Fucking people! Who do they think they are? Always standing and walking around on their two hind legs like a bunch of Rory Calhouns! With their dumb opinions about GOD KNOWS WHAT! I have to listen to some Muff Shit tell me why he likes or hates Obama! Well FUCK ME TO GOD DAMN TEARS! So let's teach these Sphincter Whores a lesson! Let's beat the in their own game!

My Best Ways to Win Any Argument 


1. Pay the other person off

Everyone likes money, everyone needs money, and everyone has a price. Even those One-Percenters want more money. Greed is good so why not take advantage. Some prices may be higher than others depending on the argument. A religious nut job probably wouldn't denounce their God/Gods for less than a few thousand dollars. A Star Wars nerd wouldn't say Star Trek was better without getting a nice chunk of change. A good idea for this strategy is to pay the other person off before the argument even starts. Once you realize that your simple comment that "Return of the Jedi" was better than "Empire Strikes Back" is beginning to get your friend very heated, pull out your wallet. The longer you wait, the more intense the argument will get and therefore will increase the price of a payoff. Be sure to be able to pay the agreed upon amount. If you can't, you lose the argument and look like a dick.

That guy just lost an argument

Pros: Can easily end any argument. Works on anybody
Cons: Not a great choice for poor people. Negotiation on prices could lead to another argument.