642 TTWA: What Won't You Touch With A 10-Foot Pole? Why?

A while back I bought a book called “642 Things to Write About.” Basically every page has a random idea for you to write anything you want about. One is “The Worst Thanksgiving Dinner You Ever Had.” Another is “Introduce Your Imaginary Friend.” I’ve filled out a few of them. The Thanksgiving dinner one was about eating my dead grandmother. While it was the worst dinner ever, I’ve always had a craving for that flavor ever since. (Note: That never happen)

I’m going to use this book whenever I don’t have a topic to write about and just use a random topic from the 642. These posts will be called "642 TTWA."

Today’s Random Thing TO Write About:

“What won’t you touch with a 10-foot pole? Why?”

There are many ways for me to answer this question. First, I will answer this question the way that I want to. Second, I will answer the question as I think it was meant to be answered. Finally, I will discuss bears.

Answer 1: My answer

Hmm... What won’t I touch with a 10-foot pole? Well if I’m being, honest, and I like to think that this is a place for honesty, I’d say just about everything. I wouldn’t touch most things with a 10-foot pole. Let’s go into my reasons why.

Reason Pizzeria Uno: How much does this pole weigh? What’s it made out of? Metal? If it’s metal it’s probably going to be pretty heavy and unless you’re trying to get a work out in, there’s not much point in picking up this pole. Especially if you're just picking up this pole to NOT touch something. Why even bother touching the pole. Even if you wanted to touch something, you’d probably struggle to balance it out and end up just falling down. Or worse! Hurting someone else.

(Note: This was an intentionally hit, and it was a 2x4 not a pole, but it still proves my point)

Reason It Takes Two To Tango: I can’t think of anytime in my life a 10-foot pole was somehow entered into my life, I preceded to pick it up, and then decided to touch things that I like! Because that’s the other side of this question! What WOULD you touch with a 10-foot pole? If there are things you wouldn’t touch, there must be things you would touch? Why is anyone touching ANYTHING with a 10-foot pole? Yes, I'll admit there are a few things that people do touch with 10-foot poles. Pole Vaulters use them all the time to touch the “Box” (I looked it up. Fun bit of trivia next time you’re out with your friends).

(Note: Pole Vaulting Is Difficult)

Other pole users include people who work at circuses. Not the clowns or elephants or lions. I'm talking about the people who build the circus tent before the circus starts. There are a lot of long poles being used there. Tepees are basically just smaller circus tents with more chance to get smallpox. So add those Redskins to the list of Pole Users (Redskins is the politically acceptable term for Native Americans, right?). Big Wig Movie Producers too. They are always looking for the next Tent-Pole Franchise. And then there’s those house gutter cleaning tools. The ones you’ve “SEEN ON TV.”

(There is no way this woman would ever clean gutters. I'm not being sexist. She's wearing tons of make up and look at those boots.)

I really think this question should be asked to these people. Especially the pole vaulters. I’m sure that almost ever pole vaulter has spent a day touching stuff with their poles. Maybe they put some type of net or grapple device that allows them to grab things without them getting up from the couch. Here’s a guy who’s touching anything and everything in his living room with his pole. He’d definitely have a good solid idea of what he wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole.

Reason Three’s Company: The question makes no sense! It assumes that you have a 10-foot pole and that you very deliberately touch or don’t touch things with it. And whoever is asking the question is jumping to the conclusion that the things you choose not to touch are the things you don’t like. I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why someone would think that. I'd find the opposite true.

If I was sitting in the park, eating my lunch by myself on a bench, eating my lunch (say a egg salad sandwich) and someone came by with a huge pole, stood 10-feet away from me and then started poking me with it, I would get pissed off! I wouldn’t even for a second think ,“This guy likes me! That’s why he’s choosing to poke me with this large pole from afar and not even utter a word to me. What a kind fellow.” No. My reaction would be to get up and beat the shit out of him. Actually, if I am truly being honest, which I like to think this is a place for honesty, my reaction would probably be to get up and just walk away. Not say anything to him and just leave the situation behind.

The opposite to this is true as well. If I’m sitting on the same bench, eating my lunch (this time let’s be naughty and make my lunch ICE CREAM!) and I see a guy carrying a 10-foot pole just start poking everything he sees except for me. He’s poking the trees, poking the playground, poking the chess pieces on the chess boards, poking ice pops that people just bought from that old man (that’s who I got my lunch from). He’s poking everything and everyone, except for me. I can’t imagine that any of those people are happy about this guy with the pole. The only happy person is me, laughing at the insanity going on in front of me, watching all these jack wagons getting poked. I’m happy because I’m not getting poked by a 10-foot pole.

ACTUAL ANSWER THEY ARE LOOKING FOR

How I understand the question, as it’s meant to be answered is, what are things you really don’t like and wouldn't even want to go near it. I have heard it used in a social setting when people feel awkward where the pole touching is more figurative than literal. “Abortion? I’m not touching that with a 10-foot pole.” Overhearing two friends fight about a girl. “You slept with my wife?!” I’m not touching that discussion with a figurative pole and at no point in the future would I be touching that wife with any length of a literal pole. 

Or better yet. If a guy starts poking me with a 10-foot pole in the park while I'm eating my egg salad sandwich, I'm walking away because I'm not touching that situation with a 10-foot pole.

So what wouldn't I touch?

For safety reasons, I wouldn’t touch anything electrical with a 10-foot pole, especially if the pole is metal. I wouldn’t touch the inside of an active volcano with a 10-foot pole because that means that I’m probably inside the volcano as well. (Unless it’s a really tiny volcano like one of those 3^rd grade science projects. Those I’d be fine with touching.) I can see safety playing a big part in my decision in choosing things to not touch with this pole.

 (I wouldn't touch that "Science Is Fun" kid with a 10-foot pole)

But let me simplify this all by really thinking about this question and limit it to only 1 thing. If there was only one thing, in the entire world that I had to pick to never touch with a 10-foot pole, it would have to be something I wouldn’t want to ever touch. It would be something that I would never even want to go near or think about on a regular basis. It would have to be something that I would never regret not being able to touch. I think when you break it down it becomes obvious.

My answer: With a 10-foot pole, I would never ever touch my parents’ genitals. If you picked anything else, you are wrong and forever disgusting to me.

BEAR

You don’t poke the bear. You just don’t do it! Whether it’s a 10-foot pole, your index finger or a facebook “poke,” you don’t poke the bear. Don’t be a fucking doink. Leave the bear alone.

You want to hug a bear? Go right ahead! They are known for their bear hugs. You want to tickle a bear? Here take my feather and be sure get him at his toes. You want to invite a bear over for dinner? Do it! And make something other than salmon. They are tired of constantly being served salmon. You want to poke the bear? NOOOOO! What are you thinking?!

HEY DINGUS! Stop thinking about poking bears. I know that’s tough since it’s all you’re reading about, but trust me, don’t poke a bear.

I’m starting a Civil Action Class Lawsuit against Build-A-Bear. They have taught our youth for far too long that if you poke a bear you will not be harmed. I’ve walked by the store many times and have forcefully removed children that were in the middle of poking cotton into bears! They must be stopped!

If you are afraid you might poke a bear, you should just cut off both your hands. A good friend would do it. I bet most bears would help too as they don’t like to be poked.

(As long as you don't poke them, bears are always willing to help out. Especially "Gentle Ben")

You want to poke the bear? Why don’t you put on a little film called “Grizzly Man.” That guy poked basically every bear in Alaska and you know what happened to him? Well one bear poked back...using his face...and mouth...and teeth...and his jaw...and mouth...and then throat to swallow...and then finally using his tongue to lick his lips and his hands to rub his belly...and then his eyes to look at the camera and say “Damn. I could BEARLY eat the whole thing.” Cue audience laughter.


My only regret is I didn't drink more.