Death. It's inevitable. It can happen at any moment. For most people, you don't pick how you get to die. In fact, most people don't want to die, or at least, not until they are really old. No matter who you are, death comes for us all
I've chosen 3 very specific ways that I'd like to die. Will they happen? Probably not. Especially not in the exact way that I describe. But if one day you look at the news and you see that I died in any of the following manners, know that I died happy.
Let me now present...
Ways That I'd Like To Die
(Not to be confused with the film "A Million Ways To Die In The West" or the TV show,"1,000 Ways to Die")
T-Rex
"Clever girl..." - Last words of Robert Muldoon, Jurassic Park
The scene is Times Square, NY. It's New Years Eve with only minutes to go before midnight. Ryan Seacrest thanks the Black Eyed Peas for their Fergielicious performance of "Auld Lang Syne." He prepares the audience in the studio and at home to get ready for the ball to drop.
Outside, thousands of people are going crazy and right in the middle of all of them is me. I'm just a dot in the crowd, an average Joe, or average Dave if you will. The only thing noticeable about me is my handsomely good looks. The entire night people have been confusing me with Zac Efron. It's annoying at this point, but I politely say, "No. I'm not."
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| I'm somewhere in there. |
Soon the countdown begins as all eyes look at the ball dropping.
10...9...8....
a minor earthquake is felt but most people ignore it. The excitement for the New Year subdues their fears
7...6...5...
another earthquake, this one much bigger. People stop looking at the ball and making sure everything around them is alright.
4...3...
a loud roar is heard and a T-REX is seen coming up Broadway Ave! Everyone starts screaming and running in a panic!
2...1...
The crowd scatters. Not me. I stand perfectly still and look right at the T-Rex. We look into each others eyes, each other souls for what feels like an eternity. Everyone has moved out of the square. It's just me and T-Rex with 100 feet separating us. Neither of us dare to move.
The entire world is watching our standstill in the middle of New York City. Police officers are holding their guns, wondering if bullets will even harm the beast, but what other options do they have at this moment.
Well I don't know about what the cops options are, but I sure know what my options are. I roll up my sleeves and wink at the T-REX. He snarls back at me. Under my breath I say "Let's go big guy," and charge at him. He roars and runs right at me. Just as we are about to run into each other, he bends down and tries to take a bite out of me. I dodge his bite and jump up on to his head. I grab one of his eyes which causes him to cry out in pain. He whips his head around and I lose my grip and fall down his snout. I'm able to get my feet into his nostrils right before I end up in his mouth.
The audience stares in awe watching this wrestling match between man and dinosaur. That's when an anxious rookie cop with an itchy trigger finger fires his gun. He was aiming at the T-REX, but his nervous shaking caused him to miss and the bullet hits me in the leg. The sudden pain causes me to fall off the great beast. I hit the ground hard. The T-Rex puts his face right into mine and just breaths. That's when I say, "We had a good run, didn't we?" The T-Rex slightly nods in agreement. "Happy New Year big guy." We both know what he has to do. He opens his huge mouth and bites down on me. He swallows my my whole body. Once he's done with his New Year's snack, he runs off, back where he came from. He is never seen again.
For the next week, month, year, this is all anyone ever talks about. Where did the dinosaur come from? Where did he go? Was he even a dinosaur? Maybe it was a robot? Or Godzilla? Was this a terrorist attack? An alien attack? Why did it seem that the dinosaur and this guy had a history? Some phones capturing the scene heard something said, but the audio wasn't clear. Why did they fight?
Before I'm identified, most of the world thinks that Zac Efron was just killed. I assure you, he wasn't.
But what really happened here? Not even my closest friends or family members could tell you. So many unanswered questions and such a bizarre event.
It did seem like I knew that dinosaur pretty well though, didn't it?
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| It's like looking in the mirror for me |
Alien Invasion
"In the words of my generation, up yours!" - Last words of Russel Casse, Independence Day
I feel like I'd be happy with dying at any moment of an alien attack, but here are a few scenarios that I have put some thought into.
1) The initial strike.
I, along with the rest of humanity, is going on with their day, as per ushe. Some old guy is playing chess in the park with his old friend. Soon the board starts shaking. The old guy starts yelling, "Jerry. Stop shaking the board." Jerry says, "I ain't shakin' nothing!" The old guy says, "Don't be a sore loser!" Then the pieces start falling off the board. That's when both men look up from the chess board and see a huge UFO in the sky. Jerry says timidly, "I told you, I wasn't shakin' nothing." Then the UFO shoots missiles at the park and everyone dies. I'm okay with being either of these old men or anyone else in the park. No one knows what's happening, but I'd know it was aliens.
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| This is how the British destroyed the White House in 1812 |
2) Humanity Fights Back
A large group of people survived the initial attack on Earth. We found a military base that has supplies and weapons. There are military personnel still alive that want to help us and fight back against the aliens. We are preparing the fighter jets for battle. Gasping them up and such. Soon we see in the distance a wave of alien ships coming towards us..
The military guys tell us to "Get Inside!" He gives me the codes to the bunker and tells me to get everyone inside. I run over, put the code in, and start getting people inside. I soon realize that there isn't enough time to get all the civilians inside before the aliens start attacking. I start yelling, "Hurry up!" BOOM! The attack has begun. Explosion are everywhere. I know if I wait to close the door, I'm sacrificing all of the people on the inside of the bunker. I have to sacrifice everyone outside for the greater good. I put the code in and the door begins to close. The last thing I see is a mother running at me with her newborn in her arms. She doesn't make it.
Doesn't matter anyway. Once the battle outside is lost, the aliens destroy the bunker.
OR
I'm on the outside. I have some piloting background. The military assigns me my own plane. We see the aliens coming and get in our jets and fly off. It's an incredible dogfight. I get to shoot down 2 of their ships. Sadly, my life long friend doesn't fair so well. I see his ship go down and explode. I go into a rage. I fire at 3 more ships and knock them all out of the sky. Finally, I shoot down their last UFO. We all start celebrating. We have just won the battle! The apocalypse has been uncancelled!
That's when we see the second wave of alien ships arrive. In a matter of minutes we are all dead
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| If the aliens were all like ALF, I'd be even happier |
Aliens have conquered all of Earth. I belong to the last community of free people. We've been hiding for decades. Life is hard, but it's life. One day I decide to leave my village in hopes to find supplies in a large city nearby. I bring my son with me. It's just me and him now. His mother was taken years ago by the aliens.
Soon we get kidnapped by a group of Hunters (those are the aliens who search for humans or other dangerous animals). They want to know where the other humans are. They torture me, but I don't get up anything. Then the head Alien comes in and offers me a deal. If I don't start speaking, he'll murder my son in front of me. My son pleads with me, "Don't tell them. They'll kill us anyway!" I spit in the aliens face and say, "Next time make sure you make the straps tighter." He looks at his partner with a confused daze. That's when I escape from my restraints and shove a knife through the alien's skull. My son takes down the other guard and we escape.
The whole place is guarded and we have nowhere to go. That's when I see a ship nearby. I say to my son, "Let's get out of here Dave Junior." We hijack the alien craft and begin to take off. Before we get a chance to, the aliens have already closed the docking bay doors. We're trapped again. I look at my son and he knows what I'm thinking. I take his hand into mine and we press the self-destruct button together. A tear rolls down my cheek. I look at Dave Junior. "Your mother would've been proud." We take out the whole alien base.
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| Haven't seen Mars Attacks? You should get on that. |
Price Is Right
"I love this saw! It's a part of me... now I'm gonna make it part of you!" - Last words of Buzzsaw, The Running Man
I go see a taping of The Price Is Right. My lifelong dream is coming true. The theme music starts up, the crowd goes wild. That's when I hear "DAVID SEEMAN. COME ON DOWN!" I go absolutely crazy. I high five everyone in the crowd and do a fun dance on my way up. I win the initial bidding round. I get to go up on stage and play a game. Drew Carey says that he has a special surprise. It's the return of Bob Barker! We hug and joke around.
Now I get to play a game now. Is it the Yodeling Mountain Climber? Nope. Is it the one where you roll the dice and have to guess if it's higher or lower than the number you rolled? Nope! It's PLINKO!
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| How I picture Heaven |
I play the mini-game before it to earn Plinko chips and get all 5 chips. I walk over to the Plinko board climb up behind it and get ready. Bob and Drew tell me to go when I'm ready. I drop all 5 chips in one right after the next. All of them hit the $10,000 spot. It has never happened before. The audience goes ape shit crazy.
Now for the Showcase Showdown. Time to spin the wheel. As I walk up to spin, I start to say Hi to everyone at home. Happiness is defined by me at this moment. I go up and pull down on the wheel harder than anyone ever has. It's spinning at record speeds. My hand gets a little too close and touches the wheel. I'm pulled into it's spinning. My body is mutilated as it goes around and around and around. Finally, with the help of stage hands, the wheel is stopped. They pull me out of the wreckage. I'm unrecognizable. With my final words without even seeing the showcase prizes, I say "$21,023 and $24,836" with my last breath. It turns out that those are the exact amounts for the final showcases. They never tape another episode of the Price is Right.
Other options
I wouldn't mind going out in the apocalypse as long as it didn't include zombies. I be cool with being a zombie, but I'd definitely not want to deal with the whole getting eaten alive part.
Assassination. Basically I'm getting murdered, but I'm in a high political position that it's now called assassination. Maybe it would trigger a World War?
Diving in front of a bullet to save someone really important.
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