My Best Ways to Win Any Argument
1. Pay the other person off
Everyone likes money, everyone needs money, and everyone has a price. Even those One-Percenters want more money. Greed is good so why not take advantage. Some prices may be higher than others depending on the argument. A religious nut job probably wouldn't denounce their God/Gods for less than a few thousand dollars. A Star Wars nerd wouldn't say Star Trek was better without getting a nice chunk of change. A good idea for this strategy is to pay the other person off before the argument even starts. Once you realize that your simple comment that "Return of the Jedi" was better than "Empire Strikes Back" is beginning to get your friend very heated, pull out your wallet. The longer you wait, the more intense the argument will get and therefore will increase the price of a payoff. Be sure to be able to pay the agreed upon amount. If you can't, you lose the argument and look like a dick.
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| That guy just lost an argument |
Pros: Can easily end any argument. Works on anybody
Cons: Not a great choice for poor people. Negotiation on prices could lead to another argument.
2. Insanity
Go insane. I don't mean just ACT crazy or pretend that you've temporarily lost your mind. I mean completely go bonkers...forever. Take a bunch of LSD, watch a bunch of torture videos, like that one in "True Detective."
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| Does this make you horny baby? If so, it'll help with the whole insanity thing |
Get rid of all your friends and create imaginary ones to take your place. Save your toe nail clippings to use as a pizza topping. Bathrooms are no longer apart of your daily routine. That's what your pants are for. Have you tried human flesh? Now is a great opportunity and then finish it down with a glass of your own urine. Now that you are insane, go out into the world and argue all you want.
Have you ever stopped to have a debate with a deranged homeless man? I'm guessing you haven't because you already know that guy's crazy and will probably kill you if you disagree with him. Even if he ran up to you, got right in your face and said he was for everything in the world that you hated, you'd just nod your head and say "Sure dude." And you just lost that argument. You can't lose an argument if no one has the guts to have one with you.
There are 2 risks involved with this one. 1) If you do go insane you will probably be in the company of other insane people who will not be as intimidated as a regular sane Joe. 2) When you become insane, you will most likely have forgotten the original argument you want to have before you became insane.
Pros: Win almost all arguments. Don't have to worry about social laws of decency.
Cons: Doesn't work against other crazies. Going insane will change your life probably for the worse.
3. The Matrix Argument/The Truman Show
This is a great way to win any argument because most people have at one point thought they might actually be in The Matrix or on The Truman Show. Even I have mistaken coincidence as a massively huge reality TV show coverup. Déjà Vu or a glitch in the Matrix? You need to attack that paranoia.
These are both similar but do have slight differences.
The Matrix
You basically convince the person they are living in a dream world. This works best on nerds or geeks. If you are skilled at performing magic tricks, that would help. Do some spoon bending trick and they'll be slightly convinced the Matrix is real. Once you put a small amount of doubt in their heads about their own reality, it will take zero effort to win an argument. "You think Wendy's is better than In & Out Burger? Well considering that they are only computer constructs that trigger brain functions while you are unconscious, you can't even prove that either place truly exists." Argument over.
The Truman Show
Similar to the Matrix, but the major difference is that you are convincing the person that they live in a real reality BUT everyone they know is fake and their whole life has been structured to fit into this TV show. They've never truly made their own decision. So if they believe that Wendy's is better that In & Out, convince them that they are on a secret TV show and they only think that because Wendy's is a sponsor of the show and that's why all his friends and family prefer Wendy's over In & Out as well. Now it doesn't even matter if this person prefers Wendy's, all they will think is how their entire life is a lie and they'll never truly know why they feel one way or the other about ANYTHING! So they'll just concede the argument to you and you can celebrate while they have an existential crisis.
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| Christof knows how to win an argument |
Pros: If it works once you will win every argument with this person forever.
Con: If it works, the person may go insane, which may result in them winning future arguments.
4. Die
This one is only for the really stubborn and proud. If you're smart, you'll find a better way to win an argument, but this is the thing to do if you're all out of options and you know that you are right. For this to work, you have to die in front of the person during the argument right after you get YOUR final words in. You also want to die in a dramatic fashion and give yourself enough time for the other person to see you die and then apologize for everything they just said. Choking on something would be the best, but then you'd have to worry about a doctor being nearby. I don't know anything about poison, but there's got to be one kind that will kill you in a minute or so. A food allergy would be great to have in this situation. The major problem with this though is if the other person chooses to do the same thing. In that case, you'll probably continue arguing to your last breath and just hope that the other person dies before you.
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| You'll never lose another argument Joffrey. (Bonus: Boob shot!) |
Pros: You are done arguing forever and you went out on top.
Cons: Risk of the other person dying before you. Now that you're dead you can't win anymore arguments
5. Dinosaurs
Dinosaurs existed for 135 millions years! Let me say that again. 135 MILL-I-ON YEARS! That's a fuck load of time. Stuck in traffic? Fuck you! Cause Dinosaurs existed for 135 Million Years! Trouble with the cops? Fuck You! Dinosaurs existed for 135 Million Years! Oh you had a fire? Place got hit by lightning? Fuck you, pay me...I mean Dinosaurs existed for 135 Million years.
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| No Mister Freeze. The Dinosaurs were long dead before the Ice Age. |
You know how many dinosaurs opposed gay marriage? Neither do I. For all we know dinosaurs hated gays or maybe they were all gay and only reproduced out of necessity. You know how dinosaurs felt about abortion? Neither do I. Maybe dinosaurs had a social system that was really big on abortion. They made it into a Quinceañera type of party every time there was an abortion. We don't know. How did dinosaurs feel about democracy? No fucking clue. Maybe they had a strict caste system where the T-Rex would be on top and all those dumb Stegosauruses would serve as Untouchables at the bottom.
The only reason why we think none of this could've happened is because we are humans and we think we're the best thing that's ever graced this Earth. We look at dinosaurs and just see weird lizards (or in Dr. Grant's case, weird birds). We have no idea how they lived their lives or really anything about them. It wasn't until recently that they discovered dinosaurs had feathers, which how could we possibly know that? The only evidence of dinosaurs are their bones. We have nothing else because things tend to rot away over the course of millions and millions of years. If dinosaurs had iPhones, they would've all decayed by now and we'd have no idea.
Think of it this way. If a huge asteroid hit Earth and killed all the humans, what would still be around in 65 million years? Nothing. Look at the Roman Coliseum. That thing is basically gone and it's only been around for a 2,000 years with no asteroid damage. And if future life found our remains, they would have no idea about how we lived or what we thought.
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| Look at this shit hole |
So what does this all amount to? Well Dinosaurs existed for longer than anything humans have ever done or will ever do. Whatever they thought or believed, they were completely right about (except for that whole letting the asteroid hit Earth idea). 135 Million years can't be wrong. So unless someone can prove that what their point of view was that of the dinosaurs, WHICH THEY CAN'T, they can't win their argument. So when someone gets in your face just say "Dinosaurs." If they continue just keep saying "Dinosaurs" over and over until they understand and stop.
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| Dude, your neck is going to hurt in the morning |
Pro: After you win, you will probably get to watch Jurassic Park
Cons: You can't use this if you are arguing against an actual Dinosaur. This includes sharks and some alligators. Even puppeteers of the Jim Henson show "Dinosaurs" would be immune to this option. Also, if humanity makes it to 135,000,001 years, we've beaten dinosaurs and this argument is invalid.
If you disagree with any of my argument styles, I'd like to listen to your suggestions. But I warn you, I will use these methods to win any debate that might occur.
My only regret is I didn't drink more.
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