Things That I Hate #1: Popcorn Jelly Bellys

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and Popcorn Jelly Bellys." - Martin Luther King Jr

Note: I have no idea what the plural of Jelly Belly is. You'd think it was Jelly Bellies, but as the name Jelly Belly is trademarked it could also be Jelly Bellys. I've chosen to use "Jelly Bellys" for this post, but if any of you learn the real answer, please let me know and I'll update this. Thank you.

Enough is enough! I'm sick of it. This has gone on too long. Cue Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It." This white and yellow little shit! It's disgusting. It's ungodly. It's inhumane. And it needs to go. I'm talking of course about the Popcorn Flavored Jelly Belly.

Let me say I love candy. I LOVE IT! I take my candy very seriously too. I have my whole life. It's delicious and sugary and comes in so many varieties. From Gummy Bears to Sweet Tarts to Mike & Ike's to Twizzlers. There's a candy for everyone. Candy doesn't discriminate. It embraces and loves.

Except for one.

I’m not sure if there’s a God. I don't know what happens when we die; if there is an afterlife or not. If there is a heaven and a hell and I end up in the hotter one, I'd be tortured with hot coals and thrown into lava along while being sodomized by endless amounts of demons all while being force fed Popcorn flavored Jelly Bellys.

Might as well be a cyanide pill

Reader Mailbag

It's MAILTIME!

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these emails from coming to me. I'm thrilled that I not only have fans, but fans that actually write into me. It really is an incredible feeling knowing that there are people out there seeking my advice. I don't want to stay that I have all the answers but I would like to think I can help you find answers. On to our letters!



Dear Dave,

First time writer, long time reader. I was hoping your unique POV could help me with a problem I'm having trouble with. You see next week is my girlfriend's birthday. I told her I wanted to make her a nice dinner and then we could go out with friends to the bar. I was in between making her Pan-Seared Scallops on Linguine with Tomato-Cream sauce OR Deviled Crab Boules with Beurre Blanc.

Unfortunately I just found out that she was cheating on me. Literally yesterday I walked in on her going down on my best friend. I started going nuts and beat the hell out of my boy. She kept saying how sorry she was and that she was just really drunk. Apparently she's drunk a lot cause I then found out not only was that NOT the first time she gave my buddy a blowjob, but she was sleeping with basically all of my friends. I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand to look at any of my friends in the eye. I thought I could trust these guys. How can I ever trust another girlfriend again? How can I ever trust a friend a gain? So Dave, I'm asking you, what should I do?

Martin, 28, Florida