Best Songs For Different Moments

Everyone's always looking for the best songs to listen to for different actions that they are doing. While working out you're going to want different music then when you are reading in bed. So I've decided to pick some everyday routine things you go through and tell you the absolute best song that goes with it.

This post requires the use of your imagination. You really need to close your eyes and picture yourself doing the actions I've described while listening to the song. Trust me. It's worth it to take your time with this one. There's a lot here so don't rush through them just to get to the end. Take one song at a time. Spread it throughout your

Best Song To Run To:
"Power" by Kanye West



Best Song To Listen To While Hungover:
"Islands In The Stream" by Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton



Best Song To Listen To Right Before You Get Heart Surgery With Your Heart Surgeon And The Two Of You Decide To Sing Along To It:
"Don't Go Breaking My Heart" by Elton John & Kiki Dee



Best Song To Take Hostages To After Your Bank Robbery Goes Awry And The Cops Show Up But After A Few Hours The Hostages Start To Sympathize With You And Realize You're a Good Man Who Has Just Made A Huge Mistake And You Aren't A Bad Person:
"We Just Disagree" by Dave Mason



Best Song To Dance To At The 1st Prom On The Moon:
"Dancing In The Moonlight" by King Harvest



Best Song To Stalk Someone To:
"I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton



Best Song To Listen To While Trying To Kill People By Throwing Change Off The Top of The Empire State Building:
"Pennies From Heaven" by Louis Prima



Best Song To Listen To When You've Lost Your Watch And You're Phone Is Dead And You're With Your Son Who Keeps Asking What Time It Is But You Don't Know: 
"It's Five O'Clock Somewhere" by Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett

Things That I Hate #1: Popcorn Jelly Bellys

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and Popcorn Jelly Bellys." - Martin Luther King Jr

Note: I have no idea what the plural of Jelly Belly is. You'd think it was Jelly Bellies, but as the name Jelly Belly is trademarked it could also be Jelly Bellys. I've chosen to use "Jelly Bellys" for this post, but if any of you learn the real answer, please let me know and I'll update this. Thank you.

Enough is enough! I'm sick of it. This has gone on too long. Cue Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It." This white and yellow little shit! It's disgusting. It's ungodly. It's inhumane. And it needs to go. I'm talking of course about the Popcorn Flavored Jelly Belly.

Let me say I love candy. I LOVE IT! I take my candy very seriously too. I have my whole life. It's delicious and sugary and comes in so many varieties. From Gummy Bears to Sweet Tarts to Mike & Ike's to Twizzlers. There's a candy for everyone. Candy doesn't discriminate. It embraces and loves.

Except for one.

I’m not sure if there’s a God. I don't know what happens when we die; if there is an afterlife or not. If there is a heaven and a hell and I end up in the hotter one, I'd be tortured with hot coals and thrown into lava along while being sodomized by endless amounts of demons all while being force fed Popcorn flavored Jelly Bellys.

Might as well be a cyanide pill

Dawn of The Planet of the "No Pets Allowed" Signs

Note: This idea was originally posted in my old blog, but it has been completely edited and changed for this blog. This post has no gifs or pictures. It is just history.

No Pets Allowed Signs

Man don't you hate those "No Pets Allowed Signs" so much? Me too! But do you know the history of how they came to be? Well I do! Keep reading, learn something for once!

People love their pets. If you have a pet, you love it. If your friend has a pet, you love it. If your friend tells you about another friend's new pet, you probably want to meet it just so you can love it. People love pets...(start evil sounding music) but not ALL people love pets. There are people that hate pets. They hate their pets. They hate your pets. They hate your pet's pet's pet's PET'S children! These are the type of people that do not allow pets into their businesses and it is at these places you will find signs that read "No Pets Allowed." (evil music ends)

"No Pets Allowed" is a very strong phrase but to fully understand it we must answer the question, "What is a pet?" When most people think of a pet they think of a cat or a dog or a turtle or a guinea pig or a rabbit or a fish or maybe something close to one of these. But a pet can be any animal. A pet could be a cougar or a bear or a shark. Or even a horse! 

A horse as a pet? Of course a horse! And that's where our story begins. With a horse. Unlike the song "Horse With No Name," this horse actually had a name. It's name oddly enough was "Horse With No Name," but that's a story for another time. Let us begin....