"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and Popcorn Jelly Bellys." - Martin Luther King Jr
Note: I have no idea what the plural of Jelly Belly is. You'd think it was Jelly Bellies, but as the name Jelly Belly is trademarked it could also be Jelly Bellys. I've chosen to use "Jelly Bellys" for this post, but if any of you learn the real answer, please let me know and I'll update this. Thank you.
Enough is enough! I'm sick of it. This has gone on too long. Cue Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It." This white and yellow little shit! It's disgusting. It's ungodly. It's inhumane. And it needs to go. I'm talking of course about the Popcorn Flavored Jelly Belly.
Note: I have no idea what the plural of Jelly Belly is. You'd think it was Jelly Bellies, but as the name Jelly Belly is trademarked it could also be Jelly Bellys. I've chosen to use "Jelly Bellys" for this post, but if any of you learn the real answer, please let me know and I'll update this. Thank you.
Enough is enough! I'm sick of it. This has gone on too long. Cue Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It." This white and yellow little shit! It's disgusting. It's ungodly. It's inhumane. And it needs to go. I'm talking of course about the Popcorn Flavored Jelly Belly.
Let me say I love candy. I LOVE IT! I take
my candy very seriously too. I have my whole life. It's delicious and sugary
and comes in so many varieties. From Gummy Bears to Sweet Tarts to Mike &
Ike's to Twizzlers. There's a candy for everyone. Candy doesn't discriminate. It
embraces and loves.
Except for one.
I’m not sure if there’s a God. I don't know what happens when we die; if there is an afterlife or not. If there is a heaven and a hell and I end up in the hotter one, I'd be tortured with hot coals and thrown into lava along while being sodomized by endless amounts of demons all while being force fed Popcorn flavored Jelly Bellys.
Candy is more or less a snack. A snack that you really shouldn't have to put too much thought into eating. Jelly Bellys turns snacking into an exercise of extreme patience. It tests your stamina and your mental composure. You can't just take a handful of beans and throw them into your mouth. You'd end up with a disgusting mix of numerous extreme flavors. In any given bag of Jelly Bellys you could have up to 30 different contrasting flavors. You know what though? Most of these flavors are delicious. The classics of Lime and Green Apple and Very Cherry are made to perfection. It's the bottom flavors that ruin everything. I actually feel bad about this but I hate Jelly Bellys because of their association with the Popcorn flavor.
I’m not sure if there’s a God. I don't know what happens when we die; if there is an afterlife or not. If there is a heaven and a hell and I end up in the hotter one, I'd be tortured with hot coals and thrown into lava along while being sodomized by endless amounts of demons all while being force fed Popcorn flavored Jelly Bellys.
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| Might as well be a cyanide pill |
Candy is more or less a snack. A snack that you really shouldn't have to put too much thought into eating. Jelly Bellys turns snacking into an exercise of extreme patience. It tests your stamina and your mental composure. You can't just take a handful of beans and throw them into your mouth. You'd end up with a disgusting mix of numerous extreme flavors. In any given bag of Jelly Bellys you could have up to 30 different contrasting flavors. You know what though? Most of these flavors are delicious. The classics of Lime and Green Apple and Very Cherry are made to perfection. It's the bottom flavors that ruin everything. I actually feel bad about this but I hate Jelly Bellys because of their association with the Popcorn flavor.
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| Tread Lightly my friends |
Licorice and coconut and above all POPCORN. It's insane to me how
this flavor exists. Listen, I'm not a big fan of licorice, but I get that
people like it. I do like coconut, but not back to back with other flavors.
Popcorn flavor NEVER works.
You can flip through all of the Jelly Belly recipe books they
have, popcorn doesn't go with any other flavors.
Don’t think that I just hate jelly beans in general. There are
great jelly beans out there. Starburst is definitely at the top of my list. They are
sour, but not too sour. They pack a in a lot of flavor too. And I appreciate
the fact that there's only 5-6 flavors in each bag so you don't become
overwhelmed with what you are eating. I used to bring bags of Starburst Jellybeans to group settings when I didn't know anyone because I could rely on the candy to make the friends for me. Starburst Jellybeans are a great wingman. Jelly Bellys are different.
Can you think of another candy that comes with its own book of recipes? I can't. No other candy would have the audacity to involve cooking instructions on how to eat the candy. In fact, this is the exact opposite mantra that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups has with "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's." Well there's an infinite amount of wrong ways to eat a jelly belly. Even if you follow those recipes, you better hopes that you don't accidentally grab a cinnamon instead of a very cherry as they look exactly the same.
My mom would purchase a box of Jelly Bellys that would list the flavors below each individual flavor, like a box of chocolates. After a week or so the box would be rid of all the good flavors, but almost half of the box would still remain! There are so many bad flavors that even a house full of people won't touch half of them. Why are these flavors still around?
Can you think of another candy that comes with its own book of recipes? I can't. No other candy would have the audacity to involve cooking instructions on how to eat the candy. In fact, this is the exact opposite mantra that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups has with "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's." Well there's an infinite amount of wrong ways to eat a jelly belly. Even if you follow those recipes, you better hopes that you don't accidentally grab a cinnamon instead of a very cherry as they look exactly the same.
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| Who's ready to eat some Jelly Bellys? Let's get out the recipe! |
My mom would purchase a box of Jelly Bellys that would list the flavors below each individual flavor, like a box of chocolates. After a week or so the box would be rid of all the good flavors, but almost half of the box would still remain! There are so many bad flavors that even a house full of people won't touch half of them. Why are these flavors still around?
I understand that Jelly Belly wants to seem cool and niche by having these weird flavors, but why these flavors. They can pick any flavor they want! They don't have to sell popcorn flavor. They could sell cheese flavor beans or meat flavors or anything that they can think of. The meat and cheese might taste like crap, but I'm no expert flavor expert. I'm sure there are thousands of flavors that could be added to the Jelly Belly family. And there are many flavors that can be removed.
What's even more insane to me is that there are mental defectives
who actually LIKE popcorn flavor jelly bellys!!!! What's wrong with you?! On
Amazon, popcorn-only bags are given 4 stars! 4-stars! Who's buying popcorn-only
bags by the way? You literally can't get enough popcorn jelly beans that you
need an entire bag of them alone? Do you not have access to real popcorn? Did
your microwave break? I feel nauseous just thinking about eating more than 1
popcorn bean and I can handle my freaking candy. Nutsinbulk.com has an option
to get 25lbs of stand alone popcorn flavor beans. I can't stand it! Has the
world gone crazy?! If someone told me they liked popcorn jelly bellys I'd spit in their mouth. I can't see them complaining as they have no taste buds whatsoever.
The absolute worst part is that every packet of jelly bellys I've ever had was always missing some good flavors BUT always had a popcorn bean in there. Which makes complete sense when you think about it. Jelly Belly must have all these extra popcorn jelly beans from the past 20 years of making them and they just need to get rid of them.
You know how I know that Popcorn is a terrible flavor? Try and think of another product, it could be anything that you eat, that has a popcorn flavor...I'm waiting...Still waiting. THERE ARE NO OTHER EDIBLE ITEMS THAT HAVE POPCORN FLAVORS. So if no other company IN THE WORLD thinks it's a good idea to produce a popcorn flavor, why does Jelly Belly continue?
And don't get me wrong, I love popcorn. It's buttery and salty and warm and great to snack on. There are even different flavors of popcorn that are equally delicious. Caramel, chedder, kettle. All so good. But when the popcorn flavor becomes bastardized and turned into some condensed sugar item everything that makes it good is lost. You want to like it because you like popcorn so much and you even like Jelly Bellys, but you have to force yourself to not eat it. It's like if someone you loved turned into a zombie. You know that the thing charging at you wants to eat your flesh but what you feel is that it's still your husband or wife or son. Do you have the strength to kill this inhuman version of your family or do you let it take you turning you into the same as them?
If you disagree with me and you believe that you really love jelly bellys then take this challenge to prove me wrong. Go buy a big bag of Jelly Bellys. Put on a blindfold and start eating the candy beans. If you have balls you'll do at least 3 at a time, but 1 is fine if that's all you can handle. Just throw them in your mouth without seeing what flavor it might be first. When you hit your first licorice or popcorn I promise that it'll be a trial of fear for the rest of the bag. With every following bean you'll begin to tremble with terror and fright. This leap of faith will destroy who you are as a person. You can only hope it'll be Green Apple, but I assure you, it won't be.
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| 10 lbs of Popcorn Jelly Beans?!?!?! 4.3 stars?!?!?! |
The absolute worst part is that every packet of jelly bellys I've ever had was always missing some good flavors BUT always had a popcorn bean in there. Which makes complete sense when you think about it. Jelly Belly must have all these extra popcorn jelly beans from the past 20 years of making them and they just need to get rid of them.
You know how I know that Popcorn is a terrible flavor? Try and think of another product, it could be anything that you eat, that has a popcorn flavor...I'm waiting...Still waiting. THERE ARE NO OTHER EDIBLE ITEMS THAT HAVE POPCORN FLAVORS. So if no other company IN THE WORLD thinks it's a good idea to produce a popcorn flavor, why does Jelly Belly continue?
And don't get me wrong, I love popcorn. It's buttery and salty and warm and great to snack on. There are even different flavors of popcorn that are equally delicious. Caramel, chedder, kettle. All so good. But when the popcorn flavor becomes bastardized and turned into some condensed sugar item everything that makes it good is lost. You want to like it because you like popcorn so much and you even like Jelly Bellys, but you have to force yourself to not eat it. It's like if someone you loved turned into a zombie. You know that the thing charging at you wants to eat your flesh but what you feel is that it's still your husband or wife or son. Do you have the strength to kill this inhuman version of your family or do you let it take you turning you into the same as them?
If you disagree with me and you believe that you really love jelly bellys then take this challenge to prove me wrong. Go buy a big bag of Jelly Bellys. Put on a blindfold and start eating the candy beans. If you have balls you'll do at least 3 at a time, but 1 is fine if that's all you can handle. Just throw them in your mouth without seeing what flavor it might be first. When you hit your first licorice or popcorn I promise that it'll be a trial of fear for the rest of the bag. With every following bean you'll begin to tremble with terror and fright. This leap of faith will destroy who you are as a person. You can only hope it'll be Green Apple, but I assure you, it won't be.
I 100% agree Dave! This just came up at work when someone brought in a bag of Jelly Bellys. I ate 3 or 4 before eating some disgusting flavor (is baby vomit a flavor? I think that's the one I ate...). After that experience I haven't had any more for fear of what's next.
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