Ways That I'd Like To Die

"I should never have switched from Scotch to martinis" - Last words of Humphrey Bogard

Death. It's inevitable. It can happen at any moment. For most people, you don't pick how you get to die. In fact, most people don't want to die, or at least, not until they are really old. No matter who you are, death comes for us all

I've chosen 3 very specific ways that I'd like to die. Will they happen? Probably not. Especially not in the exact way that I describe. But if one day you look at the news and you see that I died in any of the following manners, know that I died happy.

Let me now present...

Ways That I'd Like To Die

(Not to be confused with the film "A Million Ways To Die In The West" or the TV show,"1,000 Ways to Die")

T-Rex

"Clever girl..." - Last words of Robert Muldoon, Jurassic Park

The scene is Times Square, NY. It's New Years Eve with only minutes to go before midnight. Ryan Seacrest thanks the Black Eyed Peas for their Fergielicious performance of "Auld Lang Syne." He prepares the audience in the studio and at home to get ready for the ball to drop.

Best Ways To Win Any Argument

Fucking people! Who do they think they are? Always standing and walking around on their two hind legs like a bunch of Rory Calhouns! With their dumb opinions about GOD KNOWS WHAT! I have to listen to some Muff Shit tell me why he likes or hates Obama! Well FUCK ME TO GOD DAMN TEARS! So let's teach these Sphincter Whores a lesson! Let's beat the in their own game!

My Best Ways to Win Any Argument 


1. Pay the other person off

Everyone likes money, everyone needs money, and everyone has a price. Even those One-Percenters want more money. Greed is good so why not take advantage. Some prices may be higher than others depending on the argument. A religious nut job probably wouldn't denounce their God/Gods for less than a few thousand dollars. A Star Wars nerd wouldn't say Star Trek was better without getting a nice chunk of change. A good idea for this strategy is to pay the other person off before the argument even starts. Once you realize that your simple comment that "Return of the Jedi" was better than "Empire Strikes Back" is beginning to get your friend very heated, pull out your wallet. The longer you wait, the more intense the argument will get and therefore will increase the price of a payoff. Be sure to be able to pay the agreed upon amount. If you can't, you lose the argument and look like a dick.

That guy just lost an argument

Pros: Can easily end any argument. Works on anybody
Cons: Not a great choice for poor people. Negotiation on prices could lead to another argument.

Dave Breaks Down Lyrics: "Can't Believe It" by Flo Rida ft. Pitbull

Welcome to My New Feature "Dave Breaks Down Lyrics" where I will deconstruct different song lyrics. Today's song, "Can't Believe It" is the "Baby Got Back" of our generation.

Can’t Believe It – Flo Rida & Pitbull 

 

 (Note: This video will blow your mind. Even if you don't read anything I wrote, watch this video!)

Spoken:
Damn that white girl got some ass

Dave Sings The Hits! Suddenly Seymour

Special Edition Blog Post! A long time ago I recorded myself singing "Suddenly Seymour" from "Little Shop Of Horrors." Why? WHY NOT! Today I came up with the great idea of putting my recording to the visual of the music.  I won't go into too much detail here. I'll just let the video do the talking.

642 TTWA: What Won't You Touch With A 10-Foot Pole? Why?

A while back I bought a book called “642 Things to Write About.” Basically every page has a random idea for you to write anything you want about. One is “The Worst Thanksgiving Dinner You Ever Had.” Another is “Introduce Your Imaginary Friend.” I’ve filled out a few of them. The Thanksgiving dinner one was about eating my dead grandmother. While it was the worst dinner ever, I’ve always had a craving for that flavor ever since. (Note: That never happen)

I’m going to use this book whenever I don’t have a topic to write about and just use a random topic from the 642. These posts will be called "642 TTWA."

Today’s Random Thing TO Write About:

“What won’t you touch with a 10-foot pole? Why?”

There are many ways for me to answer this question. First, I will answer this question the way that I want to. Second, I will answer the question as I think it was meant to be answered. Finally, I will discuss bears.

Answer 1: My answer

Hmm... What won’t I touch with a 10-foot pole? Well if I’m being, honest, and I like to think that this is a place for honesty, I’d say just about everything. I wouldn’t touch most things with a 10-foot pole. Let’s go into my reasons why.

Reason Pizzeria Uno: How much does this pole weigh? What’s it made out of? Metal? If it’s metal it’s probably going to be pretty heavy and unless you’re trying to get a work out in, there’s not much point in picking up this pole. Especially if you're just picking up this pole to NOT touch something. Why even bother touching the pole. Even if you wanted to touch something, you’d probably struggle to balance it out and end up just falling down. Or worse! Hurting someone else.

(Note: This was an intentionally hit, and it was a 2x4 not a pole, but it still proves my point)

Story of my First NFL Game Ever! (It's a Doozy)

(This is based on a true story. I say “based” because as you will see, my memory of these events are shotty at best.)

It was Monday, October 11, 2010. The country has changed so much since then. The world has changed so much since then...I’ve changed so much since then.

Let me paint you a mind picture. The Green and White New York Jets were playing the Purple and Gold Minnesota Vikings and I was going to attend this game as my first NFL game in my life. Duke, his brother Joe, his girlfriend Joe and Nick had all both tickets together and planned on having a great time.

We planned and God laughed.           

We got there hours early to tailgate. We didn’t have a parking pass so we parked in the lawn of a nearby hotel. It was close and there were a bunch of other cars so we were happy and started setting up our pregame party.

The weather was the perfect tailgating type of weather. Sun was shining and for October, it was pretty warm.

I love to grill. It’s a man thing. Cooking the dead flesh of an animal. Will anything make you more of a man than that? Maybe just eating the dead flesh without cooking it, but you’d probably end up dead that way. Though you’d die in the manliest way possible.

SPECIAL EDITION: DRAFT DAY DRINKING GAME

Draft Day is here!

I love the NFL Draft. It provides a chance for any team to begins rebuilding their team. Unless you are the Browns. I don’t care if Kevin Costner is your GM, you haven’t had a good draft in forever. (Note: This year the Browns hold 2 first round picks! I wouldn’t get too excited fans. Last time that happenedthey drafted Trent Richardson and Brandon Weeden. They are both no longer on the team.)

The Jets used to be notoriously bad at drafting. Skipped over Warren Sapp for Kyle Brady. Skipped over Dan Marino for Division II player Ken O’Brien who SUCKED! Here are some other choices. You don’t have to watch the whole video, but the fans reactions are pretty great.

"It's obvious to me that the Jets just don't understand what the draft is all about" - Mel Kiper Jr.

I came up with a drinking game for the draft a last year and thought I should share it with the world. I removed the old rules about Manti Te’o and his fake girlfriend, but kept some older rules that might be outdated, but could still happen.If I think of some good ones later in the day, I'll update this post.

So grab a drink and enjoy!