Things That I Hate #1: Popcorn Jelly Bellys

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and Popcorn Jelly Bellys." - Martin Luther King Jr

Note: I have no idea what the plural of Jelly Belly is. You'd think it was Jelly Bellies, but as the name Jelly Belly is trademarked it could also be Jelly Bellys. I've chosen to use "Jelly Bellys" for this post, but if any of you learn the real answer, please let me know and I'll update this. Thank you.

Enough is enough! I'm sick of it. This has gone on too long. Cue Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It." This white and yellow little shit! It's disgusting. It's ungodly. It's inhumane. And it needs to go. I'm talking of course about the Popcorn Flavored Jelly Belly.

Let me say I love candy. I LOVE IT! I take my candy very seriously too. I have my whole life. It's delicious and sugary and comes in so many varieties. From Gummy Bears to Sweet Tarts to Mike & Ike's to Twizzlers. There's a candy for everyone. Candy doesn't discriminate. It embraces and loves.

Except for one.

I’m not sure if there’s a God. I don't know what happens when we die; if there is an afterlife or not. If there is a heaven and a hell and I end up in the hotter one, I'd be tortured with hot coals and thrown into lava along while being sodomized by endless amounts of demons all while being force fed Popcorn flavored Jelly Bellys.

Might as well be a cyanide pill

Dawn of The Planet of the "No Pets Allowed" Signs

Note: This idea was originally posted in my old blog, but it has been completely edited and changed for this blog. This post has no gifs or pictures. It is just history.

No Pets Allowed Signs

Man don't you hate those "No Pets Allowed Signs" so much? Me too! But do you know the history of how they came to be? Well I do! Keep reading, learn something for once!

People love their pets. If you have a pet, you love it. If your friend has a pet, you love it. If your friend tells you about another friend's new pet, you probably want to meet it just so you can love it. People love pets...(start evil sounding music) but not ALL people love pets. There are people that hate pets. They hate their pets. They hate your pets. They hate your pet's pet's pet's PET'S children! These are the type of people that do not allow pets into their businesses and it is at these places you will find signs that read "No Pets Allowed." (evil music ends)

"No Pets Allowed" is a very strong phrase but to fully understand it we must answer the question, "What is a pet?" When most people think of a pet they think of a cat or a dog or a turtle or a guinea pig or a rabbit or a fish or maybe something close to one of these. But a pet can be any animal. A pet could be a cougar or a bear or a shark. Or even a horse! 

A horse as a pet? Of course a horse! And that's where our story begins. With a horse. Unlike the song "Horse With No Name," this horse actually had a name. It's name oddly enough was "Horse With No Name," but that's a story for another time. Let us begin....

Fantasy Football Lineup

(Singing) It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Football is almost here and that means that so is fantasy football!

I love fantasy football. Absolutely love it. But, it is definitely more Football than Fantasy if you ask me. I want a team that has a roster of anyone I want. Alive or dead. Real or Fake. Ben Franklin would be a terrible football player, but if I wanted, he could be on my team.

I realize this is my fantasy, but I do have some rules for this:

1) I have to set a full fantasy lineup. This league will be  1 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R/T, 1 DEF, 1 K

2) I have 6 Bench spots I can fill anyway I want.

3) The team I've created is unbelievable. If this were an actual Fantasy league with a draft I highly doubt I'd be able to get everyone I did on my roster. But it's my fantasy so we'll have to look past it.

Lineup with Scouting Report

QB – Optimus Prime

Imagine that bullet being a football

Who better to lead a team than Optimus Prime. You can expect him to not only throw the ball for over 4,000 yards, but also transform into a Mack Truck and put up huge rushing numbers as well. Here’s a QB be that will have few turnovers and never lose a game. He is the best leader you'll find on Earth or Cybertron.

Dave Sings The Hits! Walking On Broken Glass

It's Saturday so let's have some FUN!!!

DAVE SINGS THE HITS IS BACK!!!

The first video got so much positive feedback I figured I'd do another one. Now I chose not to do Little Shop of Horrors again (though I do have recordings of myself singing most of the songs from the movie). This time I went with something more upbeat.

Ladies and Gentleladies,

Annie Lennox's "Walking On Broken Glass"

Note: Youtube says this is copyright infringement, so I have just uploaded it through blogger.

Favorite Movie Quotes

Movies are wonderful. Stories that let you leave your troubles behind for just a couple of hours while you lose yourself in a whole new world. I've seen tons of movies in my time and I wanted to share some of my favorite lines from a few of them. I'm sure you'll remember them exactly as I do.

The Usual Suspects

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And making people do terrible things to each other. And spreading disease. And possessing people...Well he IS the Devil. Let's agree that he does a lot of bad horrible things. That's like his whole thing. That's why he exists. It's all about deception and tricks for that guy. Not me though. Not good old Verbal Kint. I’m just a regular dude over here. I don’t even know any tricks. I do eat Trix sometimes but that’s mostly to piss off my pet rabbit... And just like that, poof, he’s gone. The devil that is. Not my pet rabbit " - Verbal Kint/Keyser Soze

Reader Mailbag

It's MAILTIME!

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these emails from coming to me. I'm thrilled that I not only have fans, but fans that actually write into me. It really is an incredible feeling knowing that there are people out there seeking my advice. I don't want to stay that I have all the answers but I would like to think I can help you find answers. On to our letters!



Dear Dave,

First time writer, long time reader. I was hoping your unique POV could help me with a problem I'm having trouble with. You see next week is my girlfriend's birthday. I told her I wanted to make her a nice dinner and then we could go out with friends to the bar. I was in between making her Pan-Seared Scallops on Linguine with Tomato-Cream sauce OR Deviled Crab Boules with Beurre Blanc.

Unfortunately I just found out that she was cheating on me. Literally yesterday I walked in on her going down on my best friend. I started going nuts and beat the hell out of my boy. She kept saying how sorry she was and that she was just really drunk. Apparently she's drunk a lot cause I then found out not only was that NOT the first time she gave my buddy a blowjob, but she was sleeping with basically all of my friends. I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand to look at any of my friends in the eye. I thought I could trust these guys. How can I ever trust another girlfriend again? How can I ever trust a friend a gain? So Dave, I'm asking you, what should I do?

Martin, 28, Florida

Ways That I'd Like To Die

"I should never have switched from Scotch to martinis" - Last words of Humphrey Bogard

Death. It's inevitable. It can happen at any moment. For most people, you don't pick how you get to die. In fact, most people don't want to die, or at least, not until they are really old. No matter who you are, death comes for us all

I've chosen 3 very specific ways that I'd like to die. Will they happen? Probably not. Especially not in the exact way that I describe. But if one day you look at the news and you see that I died in any of the following manners, know that I died happy.

Let me now present...

Ways That I'd Like To Die

(Not to be confused with the film "A Million Ways To Die In The West" or the TV show,"1,000 Ways to Die")

T-Rex

"Clever girl..." - Last words of Robert Muldoon, Jurassic Park

The scene is Times Square, NY. It's New Years Eve with only minutes to go before midnight. Ryan Seacrest thanks the Black Eyed Peas for their Fergielicious performance of "Auld Lang Syne." He prepares the audience in the studio and at home to get ready for the ball to drop.