The Cast of "Casablanca" Then And Now

Casablanca is considered one of the best movies ever made. With a fantastic script and an all-star cast, this movie will always remain a classic. But since this movie has come out, what has happened to the cast? Let's find out!
 

Humphrey Bogart/Rick Blaine

Then: Handsome guy that girls swooned over. Woman never could understand Ilsa's choice to not be with him.

Now: Dead as the day is long.



Ingrid Bergman/Ilsa Lund Laszlo

Then: Beautiful. Stunning. Strong. She was an independent woman before Beyonce was even alive. You could say her spirit could never died.

Now: You could say her spirit would never die, but you'd be wrong...cause she's dead...and so is her spirit.



Claude Raines/Captain Louis Renault

Then: You never knew where you could stand with Captain Renault but he seemed friendly enough that a shady friendship was always possible.

Now: Doesn't get much deader than him.

9 Things Only [Insert Adjective] People Would Understand! (Every Buzzfeed List Ever)

Are you the type of person that has a quality about you that most people don't have about them. Maybe you're short or left-handed or have a big butt. Well you probably know all too well how the world just doesn't understand you. So here's a list of things only you with your specific qualities would understand. I'm sure you've found a Buzzfeed list or Facebook link that lists the exact qualities that you have! Well for all of you who like to simplify your life into a series of gifs, here you are!!!

1) Doing some specific everyday activity is harder for you.

Using scissors, making breakfast, sitting in a chair correctly or even trying to sleep on your back, your quality makes it very hard to do a task that most people find easy to do. Only you can truly relate to that.

Drinking coffee? How do I do that?!

2) You can't just wear that specific article of clothing like everyone else.

You'd like to wear those tight fitting pants, but you just can't. A nice scarf? I don't think so. Maybe a cool hat? Nope. Your quality prevents you from living a life where you can choose to wear whatever you want.

You can't pull off a pants suit. You just can't.

3) You wish you could eat that food that most people do, but you can't due to allergies/quick weight gain/your quality. OR you eat everything

Doesn't that dish your friend just ordered look so good. You want a bite but you know you can't because of you quality. No one will ever understand why you always refuse to try a bite, but you know why.

Eating is hard #amiright

Or you eat everything you see. Same coin just different sides.

Time Warner Cable, Yelp Reviews and Week 3 Picks

I really messed up this week. I was expecting to include a great story or a funny post with my weekend picks, but I ended up not getting anything done this week. BUT I will say this! Time Warner is a piece of shit company. I know. I know. That's like saying Hitler was a bad guy. I got my cable installed at 10am yesterday. After being told by the technician it would take an hour or so for all the channels to come, I spent the entire day on my couch, talking to numerous people trying to get my channels. They told me they would send a technician in 2-4 hours. That was at noon.

Around 3:30 I called them back up and said the technician was actually scheduled to come between 9am-7pm. Alright. Fuck me. Here I was thinking he was about to be there, but now it looks like he won't come for another 3 hours. LUCKILY one of the few channels that worked was THE GAME SHOW NETWORK! So I got my fix of Family Feud. Which helped me mentally a lot.

So time keeps ticking...4pm...5pm...5:30pm. Alright, maybe I should call up and see where this guy is. "The technician is finishing up a job and will head over to you next." Great! Here I was worried they forgot about me and they weren't coming at all. BUT I was just told that I'm next, so he will definitely come.

Week 2 NFL Picks

As I write this, my last week's "Picks of the Week" was my LEAST viewed blog post. I admit that I had to rush through it so it wasn't my best, but people don't know if it's any good BEFORE they click on it so maybe people just don't care about the picks that I make. So I decided to add some fun before my picks. And then I'll try and make the actual picks more fun to read as well.


Before I make my picks, just want to quickly say, I am starting to really dislike the NFL. With the domestic violence that every other player is charged with AND today Adrian Peterson was charged with child abuse, it's just becoming too hard to watch these games and actually enjoy them. People bitch about steroids in baseball but cheating is nothing compared to beating someone half to death that is half your size that has no strength to fight back. You beat your wife? You get banned from the league. You beat your kids? Banned from the league. That's all it takes. Simple. And everyone would enjoy watching football a lot more. Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling on games. If only he had punched his son half to death. He'd be in the Hall of Fame right now.


PICK TIME

I went 10-6 last week. That's pretty freaking good. I started the first few game WAY OFF. I guess the Seahawks might actually be good. But it looks like the Pats will be the worst team in the league this year, which I'm definitely okay with.

Pittsburgh +2.5 vs. Baltimore

I'm happy I waited to write about this game until AFTER it happened. I couldn't think of anything to write about except Ray Rice. And now that the game is over all I want is Ray Rice to come back. That game would've been 1000% better to watch if Ray Rice was on the field. Wouldn't matter who ended up winning. Everyone would be going apeshit over him being on the field. Sad he won't play next week for people to flip out over

Update 9/16: Wrong. Though you already knew that.

Interview Tips

Job Interviews are tough. You are basically selling yourself to a stranger on why they should invest all these resources on you. So much rides on this one conversation. Without exaggeration, it could change your whole life.

I may not be the best interviewee but I do know what employers want to hear and don't want to hear. Take a look at these simple hints. Try saying the "Say These" more in interviews. Try removing "Don't Say These" that people commonly say all the time.

What To Say

"Hello, my name is [say your name]"

This may seem like a cliched thing to say, but cliches work. Saying Hello tells the person that you are a welcoming person. And saying your name helps them identify which resume to look at.

"Nice Tie."

Who doesn't like a compliment? Even if the person isn't wearing a tie, you should say it anyway. If you're convincing enough, they might not even realize that they aren't wearing one.

"Nice Office. Could you give me a tour?"


Work is basically a second home to people and you should treat it as such. You should probably ask if you should remove your shoes before entering as well. And if it's a new office/home, people would love to give you a tour.

"Getting this job would make me a happy person."

You should say this right away. They don't want to waste their time with someone who won't be happy with the job. In fact, you might want to say this before you introduce yourself.

What Not To Say

Now let's move on to the other side of the discussion. What not to say. I've listen a few things people that my friends have told me they said on their interviews and only realized after the fact that it may have come off wrong or they simply shouldn't have said it at all.

"How many times have you had sex in this office? How many times have you had sex...just in general? Like ever?"

I know it doesn't seem obvious, but never ask your potential new boss about his or her sex life unless they bring it up first.

"It's really annoying to me how people just don't understand Satanists. Everyone thinks that we're just weird crazy people trying to bring Satan to Earth, which is true, but we have very nice BBQs too. Well I guess nice is really relative on how much you like human sacrifice at your BBQs."

Never talk about human sacrifice. Most people think of their own death, which makes them sad. Too sad to hire someone new.

"My weaknesses? Well I'm allergic to penicillin. Hahaha. I'm joking I know you're asking more about work related weaknesses. Um. Well I am racist. But it looked like this office was mostly white so I think that shouldn't be a problem." 

Never bring up your allergies to other people. It only makes you look weak and mortal.

"My weaknesses? I cry whenever I hear a copy machine being used."

Don't mention copy machines. Most people in an office only have bad experiences with them and mentioning them may put your interviewer into a violent rage.

"I'm going to need to take a break every 15 minutes. On the dot. I have a massive addiction to porn...(looks at watch)...where's your bathroom?"

Wait until the interview is over before asking where the bathroom is unless it's an emergency.

"I'm really sorry. I'm terrible at interviews. I find it hard to talk to new people. That's why I brought Monopoly. I figured we can play the game and get to know each other better as we play. Now who do you want to be? The dog? No fucking way! I'm always the dog! Everyone knows that! Goddamnit! Why don't you just be the fucking thimble? I mean you kind of look like a thimble. Just a round person. I'll go first. A FOUR?! I got to pay this god damn tax! Fucking bullshit! You go. Oh great. I roll a 4 and have to pay $200 and you roll a five and end up with Reading FUCKING Railroad. Why don't you just go fuck yourself. I hate this game! I hate this company! And I hate you!"

Bringing a board game to an interview is a great idea, but you should always pick your piece first so things don't get weird if you want the same one.

"The trick is to put little feet at the bottom after tracing out your hand. See. That's how you make a hand turkey. You can keep this one. I got literally hundreds at home...actually I like this one. Can I keep it?"

Showing off your art skills is a great way to show your creativity but you should never keep your art. You should forcefully put it on their wall so there's always a reminder of your interview in their office.

"I'm not sure if you were going to bring it up but I really want to talk about the Free Masons pretty much ruining the country and to fix it all we need to do is bring back the gold standard."

Be careful in bringing up the Free Masons. If the interviewer is part of the Illuminati you may not leave the office alive.

"Did you just fart? No? So your office normally just smells like shit?"

You should always take credit for any smells your future boss may produce. It shows that you are a kiss ass and care more about this job than your dignity.

"Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!...good. Nothing happened. You just can never be too safe, you know what I mean? Let me try this one know. Candyman! Candyman! Candyman! Alright. This office is clean."

While most offices are clean, don't be so rash to possibly bring Beetlejuice or Candyman into this world.

"I just found out about an STD called Trich. It's a parasitic infection of the genitals. 3.7 million people have it and apparently it's spreading fast. So where do I see myself in 5 years? Hopefully not with Trich, but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I got it."

Be careful about talking about the future. For all you know the person interviewing you could be dead in 5 years.

"(While putting on latex gloves) Would you like to be tickled or be the tickler?"

No one likes to be told their Tickle Party Position. It's more fun for it to be a surprise.

"If it meant killing every last elephant I would do it just to get my dream ivory mansion. You know what? To hell with the mansion. I'd kill all the elephants just for the hell of it." 

Most people would love to have a mansion made entirely out of ivory, but you don't want to come off as a stuck-up pompous jerk. Leave the rich talk for the Christmas party AFTER you get the job.

"No I don't wear socks. What kind of question is that? I mean I OWN socks but I just use those for jerking off into." 

This response was probably brought on by you not wearing socks in the first place. While I see nothing wrong with it, you should wear socks to an interview.

I love mini-golf. It's so much fun right?! I mean, I love to do anything mini. It helps me compensate for my small penis.

This is work. For adults. Adults don't play mini-golf. They play real golf! You don't want to come off like a child now do you?

How did I lose my last job? Long story short. Meth will make you do crazy, crazy...CRAZY things...I'm talking about eating people.

Your interviewer will appreciate your honesty about your past drug addictions, but why make the story so short. If I was interviewing you, I sure would like to know more about this cannibalistic time of your life. Always tell all of the story.

Have you ever taken a shit then looked at it and then realized how huge it was so you wanted to know just how huge it was so you scooped it out of the toilet and put it in a bag but you poked holes in the bag first to let the water out and then you took the bag of shit and went to the gym since you don't have a scale in your own house and then weighed the shit at the gym?

This question is just so obviously dumb. I can't believe someone would actually ask this to someone interviewing them. I mean who in their right mind would do this? Obviously you'd use some type of sieve when removing the poop so the water would be drained and you wouldn't need to poke holes in the bag. And who would go through this trouble? Just poop directly on the scale.


If you follow my tips you'll be rocking out like this girl in no time.

PICKS OF THE WEEK: FOOTBALL IS BACK BABY!!!

FOOTBALL IS BACK BABY!!! 

The best sport in this country has returned!

I decided to take a break from my absurd posts and start a new weekly "Picks of the Week" column. I wish I had thought of this days ago so I could've made this better but it is what it is. Please excuse any typos or grammatical mistakes. I wanted to post this before the game tonight and really didn't have much time to write this.

So why do a boring pick of the week column? Well, I love football. I love making picks on games. I hope that I can make my picks into a funny post.

So let's get on with it!

I will be using spreads in my column. For those who don't know how spreads work go to www.google.com and type in "How do betting spreads work." Pick an article and read it.

On to the picks. (Bold teams are my picks)

Green Bay +6 @ Seattle

Seattle is at home. Seattle just won a Superbowl. But you know what, that doesn't matter to me. You think that Seattle has a great defense? Well not anymore! New NFL rules that say you basically can't play as a CB or Safety have made good secondaries useless. Green Bay may not even get a completion, but with all the penalty flags that the Seahawks defense will get from touching the WRs will result in about 500 yards. As Seattle is a run first team, they won't get the same benefit. Green Bay will win this game outright.

Update 9/5: Way off on this pick. I'm actually worried now. This pick has made me question every other pick I made this week.

New Orleans -3 @ Atlanta

I love the Saints. Drew Brees seems like a cool guy. Marques Colston was from the great Long Island College of Hofstra. Plus they play in the land of Reggie Ledoux! What does Atlanta got? Some dick hole QB from Boston College. Umm, no thanks. They were supposed to have a great offense last year and everyone got injured. I honestly don't know how their defense was statistically last year, but considering they had #6 pick in the draft, they probably sucked.

Update 9/8: Wrong again!

Minnesota +3 @ St. Louis

I don't understand how St. Louis is favored in this game. I get that they are at home and it's only week 1 AND Minnesota isn't good. But St. Louis just lost their starting quarterback. Look Sam Bradford is a piece of shit. I've referred to him as "The Other Mark Sanchez" for years, but I think he's worse than Sanchez. If he played for the Jets, he wouldn't have made it as far as Sanchez did. Actually, now that I'm discussing it, maybe losing Bradford is a plus for the Rams. It's all UP shaun HILL from here! And it's not like Minnesota's QB situation is great either. Honestly this game could be the worst game of the week.

Update 9/8: First right pick! Still don't understand how St. Louis was favored.

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh -7

I almost picked Cleveland here. Pittsburgh has been pretty average the past 2-3 years and Cleveland looks better than they have. But you know what. That's what is said every year. Every year Cleveland has 2 1st round draft picks and every year they pick up decent free agents and every year it looks like Cleveland will be good and every year they are terrible. And now that Josh Gordon is off selling cars and Johnny Football is on the sidelines I honestly can't put any faith in an organization who treats every year like they are an expansion team.

Update 9/8: Wrong again. Terrible 2nd half.

Jacksonville @ Philadelphia -10.5

Biggest spread of the week! And I don't even think Philadelphia will be that good this year. They have arguably the best RB in the game, but questionable WRs and (at least to me) an unproven QB. But I'd pick any team to beat Jacksonville by 10.5 points this week. Jacksonville shouldn't be an NFL team. Do they even have fans? I think every game for the past 5 years has been blacked out. Who do they even have on their team? Their brand new QB with the best preseason out of every other player in the league isn't playing. I regrettably have Cecil Shorts the 3rd on my fantasy team, so I honestly would be okay with him putting up 3 TDs and me getting this pick wrong.

Update 9/8: Won mostly because Jacksonville blew this game in fantastic fashion

Oakland @ Jets -5.5

You'll never NOT see me pick the Jets. Listen I don't gamble often on football but when I do there are two teams I don't bet on. The Jets and the Patriots. And I'll tell you why. With the Patriots, if I end up losing that bet, I feel like I'm basically just giving the Pats my money. Like running up to Tom Brady on the street and saying "Here you go" and then giving him $50. With the Jets it's hard enough to watch them with only my fandom at stake. You add money to that equation and it really just makes everything worse. Obviously there are exceptions. I'll always PICK the Jets to win, but that doesn't mean I'll always bet on them. Having said that the Jets could be a surprising team this year OR be one of the worst. It's really a coin flip. The Raiders will be terrible like usual, unless MJD has a career year (he won't) and James Jones is the next Randy Moss (he's not).

Update 9/8: Of course the Jets didn't cover. All they needed was 1 more point. Wrong!

Cincinnati +1 @ Baltimore

THIS IS MY LOCKE OF THE WEEK

As much as I think the Browns will suck, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Baltimore finished in 4th in the AFC North. I think they will be abysmal this year. No running game. Flacco got paid 2 years ago, he doesn't need to play anymore. Their defense isn't nearly what it was back when they won the Superbowl. Meanwhile Bengals are getting better on defense and offense.

Update 9/8: Makes me feel good that I got my Locke of the Week at least right. 

Buffalo @ Chicago -7

Some teams just never change. Like some teams are good then become bad. Some are bad then are good. With Buffalo, they just stay bad. They sign Mario Williams a few years ago and their defense doesn't change. They draft CJ Spiller, makes no offensive difference. If you honestly think that EJ Manuel and Sammy Watkins will get this team to the playoffs, you're way off my friend. At best they will be a poor man's version of Matthew Stafford to Calvin Johnson. A much poorer version.

Update 9/8: Fuck Buffalo. Fuck the Bears. Fuck everyone. Wrong!

Washington @ Houston -3

This is a toss up to me. I don't like Washington this year. I don't think they'll be awful, but I don't think they'll be good either. But that's also how I feel about Houston. Due to fantasy implications where I own ZERO Redskins (I know everyone is against the Redskins team name, but I have yet to choose a side) but own 2 Texans in Hopkins and Foster, I'm picking Houston because I want them to score a lot of points. I also would like to see Clowney run a train on RG3

Update 9/8: Redskins look terrible. Right!

Tennessee +3.5 @ Kansas City

I love Jamaal Charles. He might be my favorite non-Jet NFL player. I absolutely go nuts for him. Having said that I hate the rest of the Chiefs. Alex Smith is a jack wagon. The only WR they have is god awful, but Bowe is out Week 1 anyway. So Donnie Avery becomes the go to target I guess. Good luck with that. At least Tennessee has upside in their offense. I don't see Kansas City starting off 6-0. In fact I'd say they'll go 0-6.

Update 9/8: Killed it with this pick. Charles was removed from the game, but even still, would've gotten this right.

New England @ Miami +5

I said this before, no way will I ever choose New England. I don't care what the spread is or who they are playing, I'm never going to pick them. Miami sucks though so I'm sure the Patriots will cover the spread and destroy the Dolphins. My only hope is that they crush the Dolphins so bad it's considered bullying and the entire Patriots organization is suspended indefinitely.

Update 9/8: This makes me really happy. Right!

Carolina +1 @ Tampa Bay

I don't care that Carolina has completely new WRs. I don't care that Cam Newton is already injured and will get hit about 50 times this game. I don't even care that DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart are terrible RBs. Carolina will still win this game. Why? Cause they are playing Tampa Bay. A team that gave up a 1st round pick to get a half-healthy Revis for 1 season. Are they starting Josh McCown? Is that actually happening? Cause to my knowledge he's been in the league for 10 years now and it took until last year for him to be good in 5 games with two of the best WRs in the game. Now he's in Tampa Bay, a year older, with a much less talented team. Up until last year, McCown never had a season where he threw more TDs than INTs except in 2004. He's not a good starter.

Update 9/8: Right! Tampa Bay will not win more than 4 games this year. 

San Francisco @ Dallas +4.5

My big upset of the week. I don't believe in Kaepernick. I don't. I don't have much to back that up. It's just a feeling. That's really all it is. And Dallas' defense will probably be last in the league this year, but I think that they'll still have a good offense. Also, it seems like every player on the 49ers has already or is about to be suspended. Aldon Smith? 9 games. McDonald just got arrested for domestic assault. Chris Culliver is one more gay slur away from being banned from the league. I think Dallas holds its own in this game. And if not, well at least they'll be making a shit ton of extra money for all the fans they just got for signing Michael Sam to the practice squad.

Update 9/8: Way off. I looked at the score just now and was expecting it to read 87-3 not 28-17. Wrong!

Indianapolis +7.5 @ Denver

I know Denver has a crazy offense last year and I know they'll be great this year too but with the way they lost the Super Bowl and now with Welker taking Molly and out 4 games, I just think they might start a little slower than expected. I don't think the Colts will win this game. But with this big of a spread, I think it'll be close. Also, I'd watch this entire game if I was promised before hand that Trent Richardson would carry the ball every play. He's have like 60 carries and only put up 60 yards and it would only get funnier with every carry.

Update 9/8: Garbage time TDs won me this matchup.

Giants @ Detroit -5.5

I'm really down on the Giants this year. Though, I'm like that every year. And you know what? I'm right every year! At least for half of the season. Every year they play like shit for the 1st half or 2nd half of the year. Total shit. Last year they started 0-6. Terrible. Detroit's offense is full of weapons. They are like a ninja's closet. Full of weapons. Ebron, Megatron, Bell, Bush, Tate. What do the Giants have? Umm, Nicks? Rashad Jennings?! I wanted the Jets to draft Beckham so bad, but he's not playing this game anyway. I really hope Eli throws even more INTs this year. That'd really make me happy.

Update 9/9: Giants are going to be terrible this year. Right!

San Diego +3 @ Arizona

I like San Diego. I feel like I always have. They are a West Coast team so there's no close rivalry with the Jets. Philip Rivers is a candy-ass bitch, but outside of that I like them. A lot of people don't know that Future Jet Hall of Famer Ladainian Tomlinson used to play for the Chargers. I hope that Ryan Mathews has a good year. I like them alot. You know who I don't like? The Cardinals. Speaking about candy-ass bitches. Carson Palmer basically cried like a baby while on the Bengals just so he could get shipped to the black hole of Oakland. He's not a good QB. Andre Ellington is their main RB who will not make it past Week 4. They were a surprising team last year and they will be this year too, but for the wrong reasons.

Update 9/9: Arizona won but didn't cover. This game really fucked me in fantasy too. Right!


I wish I had more time to put in pictures and gifs and spell check but I want this up ASAP. Maybe next week I'll do it Wednesday so I'll have more time to spice things up. Maybe get some Monday Night Football Music going. Chris Berman's "Woops" going on.

Here's to Week 1 of Football.

Totals Update: 10-6

Best Songs For Different Moments

Everyone's always looking for the best songs to listen to for different actions that they are doing. While working out you're going to want different music then when you are reading in bed. So I've decided to pick some everyday routine things you go through and tell you the absolute best song that goes with it.

This post requires the use of your imagination. You really need to close your eyes and picture yourself doing the actions I've described while listening to the song. Trust me. It's worth it to take your time with this one. There's a lot here so don't rush through them just to get to the end. Take one song at a time. Spread it throughout your

Best Song To Run To:
"Power" by Kanye West



Best Song To Listen To While Hungover:
"Islands In The Stream" by Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton



Best Song To Listen To Right Before You Get Heart Surgery With Your Heart Surgeon And The Two Of You Decide To Sing Along To It:
"Don't Go Breaking My Heart" by Elton John & Kiki Dee



Best Song To Take Hostages To After Your Bank Robbery Goes Awry And The Cops Show Up But After A Few Hours The Hostages Start To Sympathize With You And Realize You're a Good Man Who Has Just Made A Huge Mistake And You Aren't A Bad Person:
"We Just Disagree" by Dave Mason



Best Song To Dance To At The 1st Prom On The Moon:
"Dancing In The Moonlight" by King Harvest



Best Song To Stalk Someone To:
"I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton



Best Song To Listen To While Trying To Kill People By Throwing Change Off The Top of The Empire State Building:
"Pennies From Heaven" by Louis Prima



Best Song To Listen To When You've Lost Your Watch And You're Phone Is Dead And You're With Your Son Who Keeps Asking What Time It Is But You Don't Know: 
"It's Five O'Clock Somewhere" by Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett

Things That I Hate #1: Popcorn Jelly Bellys

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and Popcorn Jelly Bellys." - Martin Luther King Jr

Note: I have no idea what the plural of Jelly Belly is. You'd think it was Jelly Bellies, but as the name Jelly Belly is trademarked it could also be Jelly Bellys. I've chosen to use "Jelly Bellys" for this post, but if any of you learn the real answer, please let me know and I'll update this. Thank you.

Enough is enough! I'm sick of it. This has gone on too long. Cue Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It." This white and yellow little shit! It's disgusting. It's ungodly. It's inhumane. And it needs to go. I'm talking of course about the Popcorn Flavored Jelly Belly.

Let me say I love candy. I LOVE IT! I take my candy very seriously too. I have my whole life. It's delicious and sugary and comes in so many varieties. From Gummy Bears to Sweet Tarts to Mike & Ike's to Twizzlers. There's a candy for everyone. Candy doesn't discriminate. It embraces and loves.

Except for one.

I’m not sure if there’s a God. I don't know what happens when we die; if there is an afterlife or not. If there is a heaven and a hell and I end up in the hotter one, I'd be tortured with hot coals and thrown into lava along while being sodomized by endless amounts of demons all while being force fed Popcorn flavored Jelly Bellys.

Might as well be a cyanide pill

Dawn of The Planet of the "No Pets Allowed" Signs

Note: This idea was originally posted in my old blog, but it has been completely edited and changed for this blog. This post has no gifs or pictures. It is just history.

No Pets Allowed Signs

Man don't you hate those "No Pets Allowed Signs" so much? Me too! But do you know the history of how they came to be? Well I do! Keep reading, learn something for once!

People love their pets. If you have a pet, you love it. If your friend has a pet, you love it. If your friend tells you about another friend's new pet, you probably want to meet it just so you can love it. People love pets...(start evil sounding music) but not ALL people love pets. There are people that hate pets. They hate their pets. They hate your pets. They hate your pet's pet's pet's PET'S children! These are the type of people that do not allow pets into their businesses and it is at these places you will find signs that read "No Pets Allowed." (evil music ends)

"No Pets Allowed" is a very strong phrase but to fully understand it we must answer the question, "What is a pet?" When most people think of a pet they think of a cat or a dog or a turtle or a guinea pig or a rabbit or a fish or maybe something close to one of these. But a pet can be any animal. A pet could be a cougar or a bear or a shark. Or even a horse! 

A horse as a pet? Of course a horse! And that's where our story begins. With a horse. Unlike the song "Horse With No Name," this horse actually had a name. It's name oddly enough was "Horse With No Name," but that's a story for another time. Let us begin....

Fantasy Football Lineup

(Singing) It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Football is almost here and that means that so is fantasy football!

I love fantasy football. Absolutely love it. But, it is definitely more Football than Fantasy if you ask me. I want a team that has a roster of anyone I want. Alive or dead. Real or Fake. Ben Franklin would be a terrible football player, but if I wanted, he could be on my team.

I realize this is my fantasy, but I do have some rules for this:

1) I have to set a full fantasy lineup. This league will be  1 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R/T, 1 DEF, 1 K

2) I have 6 Bench spots I can fill anyway I want.

3) The team I've created is unbelievable. If this were an actual Fantasy league with a draft I highly doubt I'd be able to get everyone I did on my roster. But it's my fantasy so we'll have to look past it.

Lineup with Scouting Report

QB – Optimus Prime

Imagine that bullet being a football

Who better to lead a team than Optimus Prime. You can expect him to not only throw the ball for over 4,000 yards, but also transform into a Mack Truck and put up huge rushing numbers as well. Here’s a QB be that will have few turnovers and never lose a game. He is the best leader you'll find on Earth or Cybertron.

Dave Sings The Hits! Walking On Broken Glass

It's Saturday so let's have some FUN!!!

DAVE SINGS THE HITS IS BACK!!!

The first video got so much positive feedback I figured I'd do another one. Now I chose not to do Little Shop of Horrors again (though I do have recordings of myself singing most of the songs from the movie). This time I went with something more upbeat.

Ladies and Gentleladies,

Annie Lennox's "Walking On Broken Glass"

Note: Youtube says this is copyright infringement, so I have just uploaded it through blogger.

Favorite Movie Quotes

Movies are wonderful. Stories that let you leave your troubles behind for just a couple of hours while you lose yourself in a whole new world. I've seen tons of movies in my time and I wanted to share some of my favorite lines from a few of them. I'm sure you'll remember them exactly as I do.

The Usual Suspects

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And making people do terrible things to each other. And spreading disease. And possessing people...Well he IS the Devil. Let's agree that he does a lot of bad horrible things. That's like his whole thing. That's why he exists. It's all about deception and tricks for that guy. Not me though. Not good old Verbal Kint. I’m just a regular dude over here. I don’t even know any tricks. I do eat Trix sometimes but that’s mostly to piss off my pet rabbit... And just like that, poof, he’s gone. The devil that is. Not my pet rabbit " - Verbal Kint/Keyser Soze

Reader Mailbag

It's MAILTIME!

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these emails from coming to me. I'm thrilled that I not only have fans, but fans that actually write into me. It really is an incredible feeling knowing that there are people out there seeking my advice. I don't want to stay that I have all the answers but I would like to think I can help you find answers. On to our letters!



Dear Dave,

First time writer, long time reader. I was hoping your unique POV could help me with a problem I'm having trouble with. You see next week is my girlfriend's birthday. I told her I wanted to make her a nice dinner and then we could go out with friends to the bar. I was in between making her Pan-Seared Scallops on Linguine with Tomato-Cream sauce OR Deviled Crab Boules with Beurre Blanc.

Unfortunately I just found out that she was cheating on me. Literally yesterday I walked in on her going down on my best friend. I started going nuts and beat the hell out of my boy. She kept saying how sorry she was and that she was just really drunk. Apparently she's drunk a lot cause I then found out not only was that NOT the first time she gave my buddy a blowjob, but she was sleeping with basically all of my friends. I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand to look at any of my friends in the eye. I thought I could trust these guys. How can I ever trust another girlfriend again? How can I ever trust a friend a gain? So Dave, I'm asking you, what should I do?

Martin, 28, Florida

Ways That I'd Like To Die

"I should never have switched from Scotch to martinis" - Last words of Humphrey Bogard

Death. It's inevitable. It can happen at any moment. For most people, you don't pick how you get to die. In fact, most people don't want to die, or at least, not until they are really old. No matter who you are, death comes for us all

I've chosen 3 very specific ways that I'd like to die. Will they happen? Probably not. Especially not in the exact way that I describe. But if one day you look at the news and you see that I died in any of the following manners, know that I died happy.

Let me now present...

Ways That I'd Like To Die

(Not to be confused with the film "A Million Ways To Die In The West" or the TV show,"1,000 Ways to Die")

T-Rex

"Clever girl..." - Last words of Robert Muldoon, Jurassic Park

The scene is Times Square, NY. It's New Years Eve with only minutes to go before midnight. Ryan Seacrest thanks the Black Eyed Peas for their Fergielicious performance of "Auld Lang Syne." He prepares the audience in the studio and at home to get ready for the ball to drop.

Best Ways To Win Any Argument

Fucking people! Who do they think they are? Always standing and walking around on their two hind legs like a bunch of Rory Calhouns! With their dumb opinions about GOD KNOWS WHAT! I have to listen to some Muff Shit tell me why he likes or hates Obama! Well FUCK ME TO GOD DAMN TEARS! So let's teach these Sphincter Whores a lesson! Let's beat the in their own game!

My Best Ways to Win Any Argument 


1. Pay the other person off

Everyone likes money, everyone needs money, and everyone has a price. Even those One-Percenters want more money. Greed is good so why not take advantage. Some prices may be higher than others depending on the argument. A religious nut job probably wouldn't denounce their God/Gods for less than a few thousand dollars. A Star Wars nerd wouldn't say Star Trek was better without getting a nice chunk of change. A good idea for this strategy is to pay the other person off before the argument even starts. Once you realize that your simple comment that "Return of the Jedi" was better than "Empire Strikes Back" is beginning to get your friend very heated, pull out your wallet. The longer you wait, the more intense the argument will get and therefore will increase the price of a payoff. Be sure to be able to pay the agreed upon amount. If you can't, you lose the argument and look like a dick.

That guy just lost an argument

Pros: Can easily end any argument. Works on anybody
Cons: Not a great choice for poor people. Negotiation on prices could lead to another argument.

Dave Breaks Down Lyrics: "Can't Believe It" by Flo Rida ft. Pitbull

Welcome to My New Feature "Dave Breaks Down Lyrics" where I will deconstruct different song lyrics. Today's song, "Can't Believe It" is the "Baby Got Back" of our generation.

Can’t Believe It – Flo Rida & Pitbull 

 

 (Note: This video will blow your mind. Even if you don't read anything I wrote, watch this video!)

Spoken:
Damn that white girl got some ass

Dave Sings The Hits! Suddenly Seymour

Special Edition Blog Post! A long time ago I recorded myself singing "Suddenly Seymour" from "Little Shop Of Horrors." Why? WHY NOT! Today I came up with the great idea of putting my recording to the visual of the music.  I won't go into too much detail here. I'll just let the video do the talking.

642 TTWA: What Won't You Touch With A 10-Foot Pole? Why?

A while back I bought a book called “642 Things to Write About.” Basically every page has a random idea for you to write anything you want about. One is “The Worst Thanksgiving Dinner You Ever Had.” Another is “Introduce Your Imaginary Friend.” I’ve filled out a few of them. The Thanksgiving dinner one was about eating my dead grandmother. While it was the worst dinner ever, I’ve always had a craving for that flavor ever since. (Note: That never happen)

I’m going to use this book whenever I don’t have a topic to write about and just use a random topic from the 642. These posts will be called "642 TTWA."

Today’s Random Thing TO Write About:

“What won’t you touch with a 10-foot pole? Why?”

There are many ways for me to answer this question. First, I will answer this question the way that I want to. Second, I will answer the question as I think it was meant to be answered. Finally, I will discuss bears.

Answer 1: My answer

Hmm... What won’t I touch with a 10-foot pole? Well if I’m being, honest, and I like to think that this is a place for honesty, I’d say just about everything. I wouldn’t touch most things with a 10-foot pole. Let’s go into my reasons why.

Reason Pizzeria Uno: How much does this pole weigh? What’s it made out of? Metal? If it’s metal it’s probably going to be pretty heavy and unless you’re trying to get a work out in, there’s not much point in picking up this pole. Especially if you're just picking up this pole to NOT touch something. Why even bother touching the pole. Even if you wanted to touch something, you’d probably struggle to balance it out and end up just falling down. Or worse! Hurting someone else.

(Note: This was an intentionally hit, and it was a 2x4 not a pole, but it still proves my point)

Story of my First NFL Game Ever! (It's a Doozy)

(This is based on a true story. I say “based” because as you will see, my memory of these events are shotty at best.)

It was Monday, October 11, 2010. The country has changed so much since then. The world has changed so much since then...I’ve changed so much since then.

Let me paint you a mind picture. The Green and White New York Jets were playing the Purple and Gold Minnesota Vikings and I was going to attend this game as my first NFL game in my life. Duke, his brother Joe, his girlfriend Joe and Nick had all both tickets together and planned on having a great time.

We planned and God laughed.           

We got there hours early to tailgate. We didn’t have a parking pass so we parked in the lawn of a nearby hotel. It was close and there were a bunch of other cars so we were happy and started setting up our pregame party.

The weather was the perfect tailgating type of weather. Sun was shining and for October, it was pretty warm.

I love to grill. It’s a man thing. Cooking the dead flesh of an animal. Will anything make you more of a man than that? Maybe just eating the dead flesh without cooking it, but you’d probably end up dead that way. Though you’d die in the manliest way possible.

SPECIAL EDITION: DRAFT DAY DRINKING GAME

Draft Day is here!

I love the NFL Draft. It provides a chance for any team to begins rebuilding their team. Unless you are the Browns. I don’t care if Kevin Costner is your GM, you haven’t had a good draft in forever. (Note: This year the Browns hold 2 first round picks! I wouldn’t get too excited fans. Last time that happenedthey drafted Trent Richardson and Brandon Weeden. They are both no longer on the team.)

The Jets used to be notoriously bad at drafting. Skipped over Warren Sapp for Kyle Brady. Skipped over Dan Marino for Division II player Ken O’Brien who SUCKED! Here are some other choices. You don’t have to watch the whole video, but the fans reactions are pretty great.

"It's obvious to me that the Jets just don't understand what the draft is all about" - Mel Kiper Jr.

I came up with a drinking game for the draft a last year and thought I should share it with the world. I removed the old rules about Manti Te’o and his fake girlfriend, but kept some older rules that might be outdated, but could still happen.If I think of some good ones later in the day, I'll update this post.

So grab a drink and enjoy!

Pet Peeves

Life is annoying, isn’t it? I mean there are good parts to it; sleeping, eating, drinking, orgasming. These things are great but unfornutately there’s other things in life you have to deal with and some of these things are very annoying. There are BIG things that can definitely get to you, but today I want to discuss the small annoyances. I want to discuss Pet Peeves.

(Before I get started I wanted to make this declaration. I realize that I have my own Pet Peeves and I also realize that everyone else in the world has their own. What may annoy me may not affect another person and vice versa. I will probably come off as entitled and pompous in this post, which is likely to happen when you spend an entire post complaining about minute problems. I don’t want you to think that I don’t have any self-awareness of my own habits that irritates other people. Basically what I’m getting at is that I’m about to complain a lot about nothing so just deal with it)

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines Pet Peeves as:

Pet peeve -  n.  1)(pronounced pet pee-ve) When a pet urinates and the resulting fluid looks like a “V” on the ground. There are also pet pee-a, pet pee-be...all the way to pee-ze. The pee-ve for some reason became the most common among household pets. Scientists hypothesize it might be a viral campaign started by dachshunds.

2) (pronounced pet peeve) When you pet gets really mad at you (ex. “Don’t try giving Fido a bone. He looks really pet peeved off right now.”)

These definitions are great and all but it’s the next one that I want to cover.

3) something that bothers or annoys the bejesus out of you.

Everyone has their own pet peeves. It could be someone whistling, the sound of someone clipping their fingernails, or someone murdering you. There are small things in life that will just drive you nuts. For me, among many things that bother me, there’s one that stand above the rest. It’s saying “God Bless You.” I HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT! HAAAAATTTTEEEE IT! This seems like a dumb thing to let get to me so much, but I actually have good reason to hate this phrase.

I AM DAVID! HERE ME ROAR!

                Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome. Mein Damen und Herren, Mesdames et Messieurs, Ladies and Gentlemen! Guten Abend, bon soir, Wie geht’s? Comment ca va? Do you feel good? I bet you do! Ich bin euer Confrecier, je suis votre compere, I am your host! Und sage…Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome. Zu Meine Blog. Por mon Blog. TO MY BLOG!

                I’m making my glorious return to blogging. When you come to this blog you leave your troubles outside. Life is disappointing? Forget it! We have no troubles here! Here life is beautiful, the girls are beautiful…even the orchestra is beautiful!

                Stop stop stop! Cut the music! That’s enough Broadway musical numbers for one post and if I continued I’d probably be crossing into copyright infringement territory and honestly I really can’t afford another lawsuit with Liza Minnelli.

                I’m BACK! I’m every type of back there is. Back in Black. Back in the New York Groove. Back to the Future. Back Dat Ass Up! Back in the Saddle. Back in the USSR. Looking out my Back Door. It’s all Coming Back to Me Now. I Won’t Back Down. Back in the High Life Again….Britney’s Back Bitch!